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OINK!! You Suck as a Customer!
A letter to the SC's that decided it was appropriate to mess up my dining room/restroom area:
First, this is a restauraunt. Even if it's Taco Bell, not quite fine dining, you are still expected to act like civilized human beings. For those who are a tad slow, you are not barn animals, you are not cavemen, you are not wolves, you are people.This means, you do not make messes like pigs, you do not grunt and bang on the counter to get attention, you do not maul your beef burrito and tear into it like a lion into a zebra. That being said...
To the guy who had the runs and left shitty ass prints on the walls:
You have failed as a functioning member of society. In all honesty, how long have you lived in the woods and how many hours has it been since your introduction back into the civilized world? For future referance, this is 2011. We have flying cars, robot dogs, toilet paper and plumming. When you think the toilet is too full, you can flush it and then continue your business. Also, there is no limit on how much toilet paper each customer can use. It isn't 3ft per customer, then use your hand, shirt, or whatever you can find. I'm sure in the wilderness, it was ok to wipe your ass on the trees and the rocks, but in public places, please use toilet paper and flush it. All of it. Do you have any idea how NASTY that was to clean up? I had to scrub shit off the walls, the seat, under the seat, the toilet, and the bowl. You were smart to make yourself scarce before I discovered this disaster. I probably would have made you clean it up with your tongue.
To the dick who thought it was cute to leave a used condom in the pop machine:
You are a disgusting human being. I have no interest in your sexual escapades and the same goes for all my coworkers and the "normal" customers. I do not get a laugh seeing your personal excretions crusting up in a sleeve of latex as I fill my cup with pop. It's incredibly unsanitary. Next time, please dispose of them properly; Into the trash. Your only redeeming thought was using a condom in the first place. The world doesn't need any more of you running around.
To the douche waffles who decided to put their trash in the display box:
The display is there to show people how big the Party Pack box actually is. It is not a grabage can, nor will it ever be. If you want to throw away reciepts, straw wrappers, various pocket findings and the like, walk 10 feet North or East and you will find sets of trash cans fit for this purpose. There is no need to Macgyver a garbage can out of a display model. Seriously...
To the woman with poor grammar skills and poorer smarts:
Why do you feel the need to strike up a conversation with a girl who is moving a shop-vac across the floor? I'm clearly busy getting ready to close the dining room and clean up. Why are you telling me not to "goby electrocuting Yuu's Elf, Widdat"? I have never heard of "Goby electrocution" before. Perhaps they created a Goby/Eel hybrid and use it to electrocute things? And why would I want to electocte Yuu's Elf with hybrid Gobies? Yuu is a nice person, despite his slight attitude problem, and I happen to like his Elf too! Also, my name is not Widdat; It's Kisa. Oh? My WTF to English translator informed me you were attempting to say, "Don't electrocute yourself with that (shop-vac)". How could I electrocute myself with a vacuum cleaner? You would have to be jinxed or stupid to do that. "I didat bee foe". *translating* "I did that before". Aaaannnddd I rest my case.
To the dumb shit who tried to flush a burrito down the uninal:
There are so many things wrong with this. How, in your mind, did eating a burrito with one hand while aiming with the other in a PUBLIC RESTROOM seem like a good idea? The urinal is ment to flush liquids only. No solids. I don't know if you ment it as a prank, to be cute, or out of sheer stupidity, but it was no picnic pulling a wet, soggy, piss-scented burrito out of a urinal. Next time, obey the one-burrito-at-a-time rule. Either hold the burrito you are eating or the one you pee with. Never both. Also, the trash can is less than 4ft behind you. The burrito isn't going to go apeshit and eat your face off unless you drop it right this second. Take the few extra steps and save us all a lot of grief.
To the man with no sanitation standards:
The men's bathroom garbage can is not a table. Please, do not drag it into the stall to put your taco and drink on it while you eat. Eating and crapping are not meant to be done at the same time. If you REALLY have to go and you are REALLY hungry, think about which "really" is bigger and take care of them one at a time. If you didn't contract some terrible disease from eating off the restroom garbage can, I can guarantee you will in the very near future.
To the woman who just couldn't wait for her period to end:
I know what a relief it is when the curse is finally over. I can relate to the feeling of "I want to put on my cute clothes again right now", but please do not remove your bloody pad in the middle of a restauraunt. Even moreso, please do not leave said bloody pad on the floor of said restauraunt for the cleaning lady to discover as she is sweeping the floor. I don't care if it was under a table, it was still nasty as hell.
To the woman who hates the environment:
Our faucets are not motion sensored. If you have to manually turn them on, common sense tells you you have to manually shut them off. Don't walk away and leave the water running for God knows how long. Save some water for the fish.
To the animal rights activist:
I don't care if bugs have feelings too. I still don't want them in the store, flying around near the food. For some odd reason, Health Inspectors frown on insects in food. Please, don't compare Mayflies to puppies. No, I would not kill a puppy if he ran into the store. Why you ask? Puppies and Mayflies are nothing alike. Puppies are lovable balls of fur and fun that romp around and do silly things. Mayflies are bugs with an IQ of 3 that live for one day to become food for fish and birds. I am a terrible person, aren't I.... I'll tell you what. Next time you come in, I'll be sure to let hundreds of Mayflies land in your food. I'm sure you wouldn't mind sharing. And I'll tell all the roaches to sleep in your bed and all the flies to raid your fridge and all the termites to eat your house because bugs should have equal rights. Hell, let's just give them a wallet and an SS card so they can vote and get a job. Equal rights for bugs anyone?
To the cowardly girl:
No I am not crazy... Well, not in the way you think I am. No matter what you may think, taking out the trash when the Mayflies are outside is not brave, stupid or insanity because the Mayflies have no mouthes. There is a 0 in a billion chance of me getting hurt by said bugs during my voyage to the dumpster and back.
To the drunk urinator:
Please, do not attempt to pee standing up when you are so drunk you are seeing quintuple. It is guaranteed that you will miss your target. When you feel your body leaning to one side, stop peeing. The mess is bigger when you fall. You probably don't remember a thing, so let me fill you in a bit. You got piss on the seat, floor, handle, toilet paper, paper dispenser, cealing, walls, door, toilet and rails. I don't think there was anything in the stall you missed. If you were aiming at everything; Good job you ass. If you were aiming at the bowl; Words escape me... Needless to say, the smell hung in the air for 3 days.
To the bitchy old ladies:
No, the hand dryer is not broken. It just doesn't like when you slap the shit out of it to try to get it to start up. Try calmly pushing the button next time.
To the butch looking girl:
The hand dryer is STILL not broken. Don't slap it like you are spiking a volleyball.
To the cursed girl:
I, as a fellow female, understand that women have certain things that happen each month to deal with. However, if you get blood on things, clean it up please. If you get blood on the wall, wipe it up. Don't leave bloody hand prints there to make it look like a scene from a slasher flick. TERROR at TACO BELL!!! Dun Dun Dunnnnn!!!
To the drink machine dimwits:
That little hole in front of the pop machine, it is not a 7th trash can. No, really. It is ment for the discard of straw wrappers, ripped lids and unwanted reciepts to prevent douche bags from leaving them all over the friggen store. It is NOT, I repeat, NOT meant for:
-food
-food wrappers
-gum
-open sauce packets
-empty cups
-loogies
-unwanted change
-junk mail
-candy you didn't like
-coffee
-pop
-discarded lime wedges
-broken pencils
-condom wrappers
-blown ear phones
-To Do lists
-notes from the wife
-post-its
-dog shit napkins you used to clean your shoe
-house keys
To the litter bugs:
You really can't wait until you get home to throw out the miscellaneous cans, paper scraps and the like? Maybe it is more of a nature hating thing that a I-want-my-car-clean-NOW thing. Chucking garbage out the window as you think, "Take THAT Mother Nature"! Or perhaps it's a wannabe delinquent thing. You don't have the guts to steal a car, the gall to rob a store or the smarts to break into a house, so you do little things like smoke in a No Smoking Zone, litter, loiter and such.
And to the 40 year old tattler, yes, I believe that the woman ahead of you is dumping trash out the window. No, I will not tell her to pick it up when she reaches the window.
To the tree killer:
I don't think it's funny or cute that you stuffed half of an (industrial sized) roll of toilet paper into a bowl of shitty toilet water. You know when it was the funniest? When I had to don a pair of gloves and scoop handfuls of sopping toilet paper out of the bowl to prevent the toilet from backing up. Seeing your shit floating around? What a hoot! One day, the trees will get their revenge, and when they do, I want to have front row seats. Naturally, for my own personal amusement. I love to see karma in action.
To the scamming punk:
You found a hair on your breadstick that matches the color and length of your own hair. The pizza boy today has short hair. I felt generous, so I gave you the breadsticks anyway. I was in a good mood. How do you repay me? By dumping marinara sauce all over the walls, floor, table and chairs...... Thanks bud. Next time you want free stuff, you can have a free kick in the ass or a boot out the door, your pick.
Sincerely,
Kisa
First, this is a restauraunt. Even if it's Taco Bell, not quite fine dining, you are still expected to act like civilized human beings. For those who are a tad slow, you are not barn animals, you are not cavemen, you are not wolves, you are people.This means, you do not make messes like pigs, you do not grunt and bang on the counter to get attention, you do not maul your beef burrito and tear into it like a lion into a zebra. That being said...
To the guy who had the runs and left shitty ass prints on the walls:
You have failed as a functioning member of society. In all honesty, how long have you lived in the woods and how many hours has it been since your introduction back into the civilized world? For future referance, this is 2011. We have flying cars, robot dogs, toilet paper and plumming. When you think the toilet is too full, you can flush it and then continue your business. Also, there is no limit on how much toilet paper each customer can use. It isn't 3ft per customer, then use your hand, shirt, or whatever you can find. I'm sure in the wilderness, it was ok to wipe your ass on the trees and the rocks, but in public places, please use toilet paper and flush it. All of it. Do you have any idea how NASTY that was to clean up? I had to scrub shit off the walls, the seat, under the seat, the toilet, and the bowl. You were smart to make yourself scarce before I discovered this disaster. I probably would have made you clean it up with your tongue.
To the dick who thought it was cute to leave a used condom in the pop machine:
You are a disgusting human being. I have no interest in your sexual escapades and the same goes for all my coworkers and the "normal" customers. I do not get a laugh seeing your personal excretions crusting up in a sleeve of latex as I fill my cup with pop. It's incredibly unsanitary. Next time, please dispose of them properly; Into the trash. Your only redeeming thought was using a condom in the first place. The world doesn't need any more of you running around.
To the douche waffles who decided to put their trash in the display box:
The display is there to show people how big the Party Pack box actually is. It is not a grabage can, nor will it ever be. If you want to throw away reciepts, straw wrappers, various pocket findings and the like, walk 10 feet North or East and you will find sets of trash cans fit for this purpose. There is no need to Macgyver a garbage can out of a display model. Seriously...
To the woman with poor grammar skills and poorer smarts:
Why do you feel the need to strike up a conversation with a girl who is moving a shop-vac across the floor? I'm clearly busy getting ready to close the dining room and clean up. Why are you telling me not to "goby electrocuting Yuu's Elf, Widdat"? I have never heard of "Goby electrocution" before. Perhaps they created a Goby/Eel hybrid and use it to electrocute things? And why would I want to electocte Yuu's Elf with hybrid Gobies? Yuu is a nice person, despite his slight attitude problem, and I happen to like his Elf too! Also, my name is not Widdat; It's Kisa. Oh? My WTF to English translator informed me you were attempting to say, "Don't electrocute yourself with that (shop-vac)". How could I electrocute myself with a vacuum cleaner? You would have to be jinxed or stupid to do that. "I didat bee foe". *translating* "I did that before". Aaaannnddd I rest my case.
To the dumb shit who tried to flush a burrito down the uninal:
There are so many things wrong with this. How, in your mind, did eating a burrito with one hand while aiming with the other in a PUBLIC RESTROOM seem like a good idea? The urinal is ment to flush liquids only. No solids. I don't know if you ment it as a prank, to be cute, or out of sheer stupidity, but it was no picnic pulling a wet, soggy, piss-scented burrito out of a urinal. Next time, obey the one-burrito-at-a-time rule. Either hold the burrito you are eating or the one you pee with. Never both. Also, the trash can is less than 4ft behind you. The burrito isn't going to go apeshit and eat your face off unless you drop it right this second. Take the few extra steps and save us all a lot of grief.
To the man with no sanitation standards:
The men's bathroom garbage can is not a table. Please, do not drag it into the stall to put your taco and drink on it while you eat. Eating and crapping are not meant to be done at the same time. If you REALLY have to go and you are REALLY hungry, think about which "really" is bigger and take care of them one at a time. If you didn't contract some terrible disease from eating off the restroom garbage can, I can guarantee you will in the very near future.
To the woman who just couldn't wait for her period to end:
I know what a relief it is when the curse is finally over. I can relate to the feeling of "I want to put on my cute clothes again right now", but please do not remove your bloody pad in the middle of a restauraunt. Even moreso, please do not leave said bloody pad on the floor of said restauraunt for the cleaning lady to discover as she is sweeping the floor. I don't care if it was under a table, it was still nasty as hell.
To the woman who hates the environment:
Our faucets are not motion sensored. If you have to manually turn them on, common sense tells you you have to manually shut them off. Don't walk away and leave the water running for God knows how long. Save some water for the fish.
To the animal rights activist:
I don't care if bugs have feelings too. I still don't want them in the store, flying around near the food. For some odd reason, Health Inspectors frown on insects in food. Please, don't compare Mayflies to puppies. No, I would not kill a puppy if he ran into the store. Why you ask? Puppies and Mayflies are nothing alike. Puppies are lovable balls of fur and fun that romp around and do silly things. Mayflies are bugs with an IQ of 3 that live for one day to become food for fish and birds. I am a terrible person, aren't I.... I'll tell you what. Next time you come in, I'll be sure to let hundreds of Mayflies land in your food. I'm sure you wouldn't mind sharing. And I'll tell all the roaches to sleep in your bed and all the flies to raid your fridge and all the termites to eat your house because bugs should have equal rights. Hell, let's just give them a wallet and an SS card so they can vote and get a job. Equal rights for bugs anyone?
To the cowardly girl:
No I am not crazy... Well, not in the way you think I am. No matter what you may think, taking out the trash when the Mayflies are outside is not brave, stupid or insanity because the Mayflies have no mouthes. There is a 0 in a billion chance of me getting hurt by said bugs during my voyage to the dumpster and back.
To the drunk urinator:
Please, do not attempt to pee standing up when you are so drunk you are seeing quintuple. It is guaranteed that you will miss your target. When you feel your body leaning to one side, stop peeing. The mess is bigger when you fall. You probably don't remember a thing, so let me fill you in a bit. You got piss on the seat, floor, handle, toilet paper, paper dispenser, cealing, walls, door, toilet and rails. I don't think there was anything in the stall you missed. If you were aiming at everything; Good job you ass. If you were aiming at the bowl; Words escape me... Needless to say, the smell hung in the air for 3 days.
To the bitchy old ladies:
No, the hand dryer is not broken. It just doesn't like when you slap the shit out of it to try to get it to start up. Try calmly pushing the button next time.
To the butch looking girl:
The hand dryer is STILL not broken. Don't slap it like you are spiking a volleyball.
To the cursed girl:
I, as a fellow female, understand that women have certain things that happen each month to deal with. However, if you get blood on things, clean it up please. If you get blood on the wall, wipe it up. Don't leave bloody hand prints there to make it look like a scene from a slasher flick. TERROR at TACO BELL!!! Dun Dun Dunnnnn!!!
To the drink machine dimwits:
That little hole in front of the pop machine, it is not a 7th trash can. No, really. It is ment for the discard of straw wrappers, ripped lids and unwanted reciepts to prevent douche bags from leaving them all over the friggen store. It is NOT, I repeat, NOT meant for:
-food
-food wrappers
-gum
-open sauce packets
-empty cups
-loogies
-unwanted change
-junk mail
-candy you didn't like
-coffee
-pop
-discarded lime wedges
-broken pencils
-condom wrappers
-blown ear phones
-To Do lists
-notes from the wife
-post-its
-dog shit napkins you used to clean your shoe
-house keys
To the litter bugs:
You really can't wait until you get home to throw out the miscellaneous cans, paper scraps and the like? Maybe it is more of a nature hating thing that a I-want-my-car-clean-NOW thing. Chucking garbage out the window as you think, "Take THAT Mother Nature"! Or perhaps it's a wannabe delinquent thing. You don't have the guts to steal a car, the gall to rob a store or the smarts to break into a house, so you do little things like smoke in a No Smoking Zone, litter, loiter and such.
And to the 40 year old tattler, yes, I believe that the woman ahead of you is dumping trash out the window. No, I will not tell her to pick it up when she reaches the window.
To the tree killer:
I don't think it's funny or cute that you stuffed half of an (industrial sized) roll of toilet paper into a bowl of shitty toilet water. You know when it was the funniest? When I had to don a pair of gloves and scoop handfuls of sopping toilet paper out of the bowl to prevent the toilet from backing up. Seeing your shit floating around? What a hoot! One day, the trees will get their revenge, and when they do, I want to have front row seats. Naturally, for my own personal amusement. I love to see karma in action.
To the scamming punk:
You found a hair on your breadstick that matches the color and length of your own hair. The pizza boy today has short hair. I felt generous, so I gave you the breadsticks anyway. I was in a good mood. How do you repay me? By dumping marinara sauce all over the walls, floor, table and chairs...... Thanks bud. Next time you want free stuff, you can have a free kick in the ass or a boot out the door, your pick.
Sincerely,
Kisa
. When I started reading that sentence, I was completely expecting the last word to be something else, and was thinking how moronic that was. Then the sentence made an abrupt left turn and I realized how seriously I'd underestimated the depth of moronicity involved.
Damn, what's in your local water supply, Kisa?!
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