What you say; what they hear

[ArenaBoy]

The one thing I've noticed in customer service is that when you say one thing they hear a completely different thing altogether. The old adage even though we're speaking the same language, we still don't understand each other comes to mind.

Some gems.

Me: Sir the parking charge is $10.
What the SC hears: The parking is usually free but today we're charging.

M: We don't take regular passes.
SC hears: That is a pass but we're just doing business in another fashion

M: I'm sorry but we're full
SC hears: We have some spots available but since you're late we're making you suffer.

[B&NGoddess]

what you say: "your order will arrive in 2-5 business days"
what they hear: "it was ordered 10pm friday night; you should get it by sunday."

what you say: "its $25 to join the membership program."
what they hear: "save 10% for no good reason!"

what you say: "we don't have a non-fiction section."
what they hear: "i am purposely making you look like an idiot."

what you say: "Barnes & Noble, this is B&NGoddess."
what they hear: "oiugaksdfgbaiowoqpobg"

what you say: "i'm sorry, that book is out of print."
what they hear: "i'm making shit up so you'll leave."

what you say: "i'm sorry, music has to be returned to that department."
what they hear: "i'm sending you on a grueling trek across a wasteland full of untold horrors to do something so heinous, you'll shit."

[Kara]

That is a valid charge = I don't like you and I'm the Wicked Bitch of the West so I'm not going to remove this charge you are disputing. You should go over my head and my supervisor will take the charge off.

My supervisor will also not be able to remove that charge either = I'm afraid to let you speak to my supervisor because it's his job to do whatever you want without question so you really should speak to him. Then he'll fire me for being mean to you.

I'm already giving you the best deal I have on that particular phone = I don't feel like giving you that $400 piece of equipment for free. But you're right, you are entitled to it. I suggest speaking to my supervisor.

That device is damaged and can't be exchanged because you voided the warranty when you broke it = If I really wanted to, I could have it replaced, but I'm a big, bad meanie and I hate you. When I'm not punishing excellent customers such as yourself, I enjoy decapitating kittens. Might I recommended asking for my supervisor? I know he'd be happy to do this for you.

You're 350 minutes over right now, but we can change the plan to this one, and I can even backdate it to the start of your cycle, which will make the overage go away. I see you regularly go over your minutes, so this would definitely help you in the log run = I control the network and made it generate phantom calls from your minutes so you'd be over. Now I'm going to make you pay and extra $10 a month. Mwa, ha, ha. Or you could talk to a supervisor, who would wave his magic wand and make the overage disappear. And there would be rainbows and unicorns.

We can get you that discount/promotional plan with a 1 (or 2) year contract = I'll swallow your soul. By the way, my supervisor could give you the same thing without a contract, would you like to speak to him now?

[Shironu-Akaineko]

what you say: "Barnes & Noble, this is B&NGoddess."
what they hear: "oiugaksdfgbaiowoqpobg"

I was drinking pepsi, now my nose hurts, you goof!

[AirHostess]

The Plane is delayed due to weather/technical fault=The plane is delayed because you personally hate me and want to cause me distress!

There are no sandwiches=there are actually sandwiches left but the flight attendant is too lazy to magically fly down to the ground and pick some up.

[Shironu-Akaineko]

What you say: We don't make cakes here.
What they hear: We don't make cakes just to mess up with your day.

What you say: Do you have a receipt?
What they hear: *Charlie Brown adult sound effect* Bwa bwa bwaa bwa bwa bwaaaa...

What you say: We don't have any.
What they hear: Please ask everybody else in the vicinity that has the same uniform as me, they should make that item appear out of their asses.

What you say: We don't have any in the back.
What they hear: I'm too lazy to care, but please ask me again.

What you say: My manager isn't here right now, but I can help you.
What they hear: Ga ga poopy diaper.

What you say: Just a minute, I'll go get it.
What they hear: Feel free to wander around until I can't find you anymore. Please. I need the exercise.

What you say: It'll take 15 minutes.
What they hear: It'll take 3 minutes.

[Ackee]

You say: Do you have any proof of your address? Such as a bank statement or driving license?
They hear: Any old bit of paper will do, that letter your auntie wrote you ten years ago, yes, that will do.

[draftermatt]

You Say: "We have to cancel because it's going to rain/snow/ice tommorow
Hear: "We hate you and want to help someone else"

Say: "I don't have the correct information to finish this"
Hear: "I'm already done it all, but I need you to call me everyday and ask for the stuff for at least a week before I will get it to you"

For the above, nevermind that they are supposed to be getting me the info and they are spending their time calling me to ask for status.

[Hobgoblin]

Said: I'm closed.
Heard: Go away and never come back.
OR
Heard: I should be able to come in and browse because I'm not planning on buying anything anyways.

[SuperB]

We say: "This has always been our policy"
They hear: "I saw you coming and made it up just to piss you off and had all the signage printed so fast it was put on the front door just before you got up to it"

[derangedperson]

What you say: I'm sorry, but that sale ended yesterday.
What they hear: Derka derka derka SALE derka derka derka.

[Lace Neil Singer]

What you say: Sorry, but I'm closed cuz my shift is finished.
What they hear: Actually, I don't have to go home cuz I live inside the supermarket, so I'm closing my till out of pure spite cuz I hate you.

What you say: I'm sorry, but that product has been discontinued.
What they hear: We actually have some out back but I'm too lazy to get them. Feel free to go whining to customer services cuz they can magically pull said product out of their arses.

What you say: I can't do that, let me call a supervisor.
What they hear: I can do that, but I'm going to be lazy and force you to wait for a supervisor instead. Ha ha ha!

What you say: It'll just take a couple of minutes to wait for a supervisor.
What they hear: It's going to take at least 10 hours, if not more, so feel free to whine at me for putting you thru this.

[South Texan]

What you said: " I am sorry, but that is the most popular item of this season, and we are sold out right now. I checked with our supplier for you, however, and we are getting a new shipment next Tuesday night. Please check back with us early Wednesday morning as we cannot put any of these items on hold."

What they heard: "This is all my fault. I was lazy and sloppy, so I personally did not order or keep enough of the item in stock so you could buy one at any time. I am telling you that a shipment will come in on Tuesday, but that is just an arbitrary date I made up to placate you. The actual shipment is due in an hour, so call the store seven to ten times each day for the next two days to see if the item is on the shelf. I actually am going to pull the best of the items from the shipment to hold just for you because YOU are special.

"If by the second day of your calling, the shipment still has not arrived, come into the store screaming for a manager so you can complain that I promised a new shipment would be in by then, and that I would hold the item for you. My manager instantly will pull one from his rectum and you will be given the item for free. I then will be severely reprimanded like I deserve."

[Jester]

JESTER SAYS: "May I see your ID please?"
THEY HEAR: "I feel like fucking with random people, and frankly, I don't want to serve you alcohol without you jumping through hoops for me."

JESTER SAYS: "I'm sorry, but without proper identification I will not be able to serve you an alcoholic beverage. May I get you something else?"
THEY HEAR: "No, your bus pass from junior high is not sufficent proof for me to bring you a substance severely regulated by the state. Nor is your mother's word that you are of age."

JESTER SAYS: "I'm sorry, but that is the law of the State of Florida."
THEY HEAR: "I am a meanie and won't serve you alcohol, even though you and I both know you aren't 21."

JESTER SAYS: "I'm sorry, we are currently out of that item."
THEY HEAR: "We don't have a thing here that you want because we suck."

JESTER SAYS: "Have you folks decided?"
THEY HEAR: "Even though I am busy with many other people, feel free to pretend to be decided when you are not, and hem and haw over the menu while you read every item twice and delay from performing my duties elsewhere."

JESTER SAYS: "We don't do separate checks as per house policy."
THEY HEAR: "Of course we'll do separate checks for YOU."

JESTER SAYS: "How are you folks doing?"
THEY HEAR: "Give me your drink order now and ignore my pleasant greeting inquiring about your well-being."

JESTER SAYS: "No."
THEY HEAR: "Yes."

JESTER SAYS: "Excuse me folks, coming through!"
THEY HEAR: "Excuse me folks, how many in your party so that I may promptly seat you even though I have several full plates of food in my hands right now?"

JESTER SAYS: "May I get that out of your way?"
THEY HEAR: *crickets chirping*

[Kara]

Oh, and let's not forget:

May I have your name/phone number/address/any personal information that you should be able to access from that spongy matter you call a brain? = What is the square root of apple pi?