What you say; what they hear

[braindead]

Things written

paper says- Cut off is the 14th of the month, your mailing is mailed the last week of the month.
They read- Send in order anytime and we will have 2000 mailings custom printed and mailed out the very next day

paper says- We can do your advertising for you.
They read- We will do everything for you completly free.

Application says- $xx.xx set up fee and $xx.xx monthly fee
They read-well they dont even see this. Just send in applications with no payment information Or when charged $xx.xx and $xx.xx monthly fee will call and say they never authorized this but they did remember filling out the application and credit card info.

On the phone

I say- Refunds are processed within 30 days and may take that full time.
They hear-I will personally do this right now and have it appear on your card within the next 5 minutes or the check will be there tomorrow

I say-I need your zip code.
They say-4444 or some other random number

I say-I'm sorry you are not able to reach so and so company. I sugest you keep trying their office number and I will report the issue to my manager.
They hear-You personally control this company and all others we work with and are blocking me from reaching said company.
(if I had this power I would direct all their calls to the rejection hotline)

[hecubus]

A few from the movie theater and the video store:

What I say: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow any children under 5 years old into R-Rated movies under any circumstances. As you can see, we have a sign posted which says this very thing.

What they hear: If you were of the same ethnic background as me, I'd let you take your 2 year-old into the R-Rated movie.

What I say: I'm sorry, but, in order for someone under 17 to see an R-Rated movie, a parent over 21 must watch the movie with them.

What they hear: I just arbitrarily made up this rule keeping your 15 year-old out of the R-Rated movie, because, God know we don't actually want to sell tickets and make money.

What I say: No, sir, the showtimes in the paper were correct, as you can see from this copy of today's paper I'm showing you.

What they hear: I have a printing press back here, and I just ran off this fake newspaper just to make you look like an idiot.

What I say: I'm sorry, but all the copies of that movie are rented out right now.

What they hear: I'm hoarding all 50 copies of that movie because I plan on taking then all home with me and watching them back to back, so, Nyah, Nyha!!

[Luna]

what you say: "i'm sorry, music has to be returned to that department."
what they hear: "i'm sending you on a grueling trek across a wasteland full of untold horrors to do something so heinous, you'll shit."

Ack. I snorted Diet Pepsi!!! Reading your posts gives me nightmares about being back in the book world. *shudders*

Here's some of mine:
what you say: "I'm sorry that item has been retired."
what they here: "They're in the back and I am hording them all for myself"

what you say:, "Sorry, that day/time has already been reserved - do you have any other date in mind?"
what they hear: "you're not important enough to be here that day - and we don't want you here"

[B&NGoddess]

i got a million of 'em.

i say: "i dont usually work in the cafe, so let me know if your drink is wrong."
they hear: "im gonna fuck up your drink. terribly."

i say: "please do not leave your children unattended."
they hear: "i'll be here watching your kid so when she busts her chin open, i'll play nurse."

i say: "im sorry, this is customer service. the registers are up front." or "im sorry these are the registers. customer service is in the middle."
they hear: "bitch please. im making you wait in that long ass line because youre [insert appropriate derogatory comment]" or "theres no one at info now, but stand there anyway (followed by fiendish hand rubbing and maniacal laughter.)"

i say: "your total is $xx.xx."
they hear: "please begin digging in your purse for your checkbook......................now."

[Sofar]

I say: "Thank you very much, and yours is order number 50 today."
They hear: "You're number 49. If I tell you otherwise later, I'm lying."

~Or~

"When you hear me say, "number fifty!" just pretend you don't hear me, I'll bring everything out you."

[Bluenomi]

I say: I'm sorry but all our equipment is already booked for tomorrow
They hear: I have lots of equipment left but I'm not giving it to you because I'm mean.

I say: The Audio Visual support staff are currently on another job, they should be over to help you in half an hour
They hear: AV guys are haiving a smoke and can't be bothered to help you and will go out of their way to ruin their you day

[Jester]

Also known as the "oh, you mean my real name?" incident.

Oh, you SO have to tell us about the "oh, you mean my real name?" incident! Please please please please please?!?!?!?!?

[Lace Neil Singer]

I say: I'm sorry but your card has just been declined.
They hear: Actually, your card is perfect; I'm just refusing to accept it cuz I hate you.
I say: Putting it thru again won't make any difference, you'll have to talk to your bank.
They hear: Putting it thru again will magically make it work, but cuz I hate you I'm not going to do that.
I say: Do you have any other form of payment?
They hear: I hate you and wish death and worse on you and your children and your children's children. Please report me to Customer Services as it is only what I deserve.

[South Texan]

What you say: "The final report must be filed before 5:00 p.m. Thursday, so I must have your raw data no later than Tuesday morning to give me time to compile it all and make the report. Please use the proper form I sent you to submit your data."

What they hear: "Any time before 4:59 on Thursday will be fine. If you get it to me a week after the due date, it's ok because deadlines are just arbitrary things that no one ever cares about. Illegible and childish chicken scratches of incomplete figures scrawled on the back of billing envelope are fine as are hurriedly mumbled voice mails from a cell phone that is cutting in and out.

[BusyBee]

I say: Do you have your member card with you?
They hear: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I say: I'm sorry, I can't rent out to you if you don't have your member card, don't have your driver's licence with you, and can't remember your password.
They hear: I totally remember seeing you in here the other day, I even memorised your name and member number. I just like screwing with you.

I say: I'm afraid there's $xx.xx owing on your account, would you like to pay that now?
They hear: I just made up this charge, I'm making some SWEET money scamming people like this. In fact I'm buying a new car tomorrow!

I say: I'm afraid you will have to get [what's owing on your account] down to at least $10.00, or I can't hire out to you. Store policy.
They hear: Actually, I'm too young and female to have ANY idea what store policy is. Or even be able to tell that you have money owing! Please, call over the male staff member who has been working here a third as long as I have, I'm sure he'll be able to make it all go away for you.
(Happens with male and female customers btw)

I say: I'm sorry, we don't have any copies of [movie/game] in at the moment.
They hear: Y'know what? I have no idea what I'm doing. I just hit some random buttons for the look of the thing... I don't even know how to read. Asking me "are you sure?" will absolutely make me remember that I saw 50 copies of those in the special Super-Secret-Happy-Fun-Time section of the store.

I say: We have 7 copies of that in at the moment, it's just down to your left, at the end of that aisle, on the back wall, under the big Pirates of the Carribean poster.
They hear: I think we might have a couple I guess, they'd be over to your right at the front of the store, under the In Her Shoes poster.
Or: I'll just go grab that for you, despite all the other waiting customers, cos you're Special.

[Anakah]

Me: I need to see a major credit card.
Them: I need to see your AAA card, your library card, or any card with numbers on it.

Me: Have you gone to the ATM machine yet?
Them: What's your room number?

Me: I'm sorry we don't run cards back here, we have no way of accessing your bank account.
Them: I'm just being lazy to shine you off. And I am bascially telling you to tell at me and get a supervisor.

Me: I'm sorry the sports ticket machine is down right now. You can mail the ticket in, wait until sportsbook opens at 8am or try back in a few hours.
Them: blah blah supervisor blah blah unwilling to do your job blah blah

Me: I'm sorry we can't sell chips up here. You can get them from the tables.
Them: I have the chips but I am refusing to give them to you because I am mean and lazy. Please put me out of my misery and yell for the supervisor.

[auntiem]

Oh, you SO have to tell us about the "oh, you mean my real name?" incident! Please please please please please?!?!?!?!?

Done
http://www.customerssuck.com/board/s...ead.php?t=9508

[Ackee]

I say: I'm afraid there's $xx.xx owing on your account, would you like to pay that now?
They hear: I just made up this charge, I'm making some SWEET money scamming people like this. In fact I'm buying a new car tomorrow!

OOOO I am loving this post,Please keep posting people.

[Luna]

Me: Okay, I need your name first and then your address
Them: 999-999-9999.

Me: Overnight shipping? Sure. But since it's already 8:30pm right now and Fedex is closed, your package won't be picked up until tomorrow. That means your package will arrive the day after tomorrow.
Them: blah...blah...blah..ARRIVE...blah...blah...TOMORRO W!

Me: Can I scan your club card?
Them: *hands me credit card*
Me: I need to scan your club card before scanning your purchases.
Them: *Hands me their ID.*
Me: Um, no, I need your club card first please? Hello?
Them: What? I didn't hear you!

Me: Would you like to join our FREE club card?
Them: How much does it cost?

[DesignFox]

Me: Do you have your frequent shopper card?
Them: (hands me a coupon)

o_O

(when signing up for a club card)
ME: May I have your address, please?
They hear: I will now send you a thousandty spam mailings and report you to every mass mailing list in the world.. mwhahahaha!

Me: May I have your zip code, please?
They Hear: May I have your phone number starting with area code?