Wow, she doesn't get it

[Eisa]

I'm sorry, I need to have a bit of a vent. Complete with swear words.

Background: I was born with clubfeet. My mother told me that my footprints were the opposite of a normal baby's. I had surgery at 10 months, but the doctor knew back then it wasn't going to work forever. I'd still need surgery in the future.

I saw Dr. H for the first time when I was 15. He was...not good. He had me wear ankle braces for years--which made my ankles worse. So that's like thanks. Thankfully, this past year, he admitted he's only had one case of clubfeet before [ ] and wanted to refer me to an expert who's in OR.

Well, that was back in December 2009/January 2010. NOTHING since then. Until yesterday. /end


Apparently, there is an Idahoan podiatrists' conference going on this week. This specialist is coming. Dr. H wants me [and another person] to see him on Friday. Only problem: the conference is being held in a town 3 1/2 hours away.

I asked my mom if she would please, please drive me [I can't drive yet]. I told her how long the drive was, I told her that I would print out directions to and from...basically, you know, anything I can do to make it easier, I will do, because I am dying to see this specialist. She agreed last night.

Today, she started bitching about it. "Well, your father said it was a 3 1/2 hour drive." Um, yeah. I told you the same thing last night. It's not like I hid that from you. I didn't pretend it was in town or something. That would have been stupid beyond words. And if we're supposed to be there around 5-6 p.m., I really can't see how "what if we come back at 1 a.m." unless she starts driving through Wyoming on her way back or something. And yes, if she needs to eat, I will buy her food. It's not like it's a desolate wasteland between here and there, you know?

Just frustrates me SO much. This is not a big deal to her. She does not understand what it feels like to KNOW your feet are fucked up, and have always been fucked up. I knew since I was a little, little kid that I didn't walk and run like other people. I can't run. I waddle instead. For that matter, I remember when I went to a church softball practice. My mom picked me up. When I ran out to the car, I was kind of proud of myself for running. I got in the car and she was like, "Seeing you run made my heart break" [meaning that my run was that abnormal...she explained it better than I just paraphrased. ] Thanks, Mom. I grew up practically living in national parks because the surgeon told my parents to take me hiking and camping ASAP because I wouldn't be able to do it later. I was always picked last for everything because I can't run or kick properly [oh, and I have shitty depth perception and balance, I'm sure that helps ].

I have grown up knowing that I am probably going to be in a wheelchair by the time I'm 30, barring a miracle.

And this specialist...offers me hope. That maybe there IS something we can do. And if there's not? Well, at least I'll know it for sure. I'll know it's more a question of adapting to circumstance than trying to change it. And that's ok, too.

But Gawd damn it, I want that option to find out. So my mother better not change her mind and decide that it's not worth it because that will be her reason--it won't be something like she legitimately can't do it. She "won't feel like it."

Kind of want to tell her that she should try living for 22 years with scars around both feet and always wearing out her shoes by walking on the outsides of her feet. Oh, and being treated like an incompetent idiot who can't possibly speak for herself just because she happens to be disabled.

It's not fun.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Eisa, where is the conference? (feel free to PM me, I know we live in the same state.)
I might be able to do it. I have classes, but even if it can't be timed right, I can miss some. I don't care about long drives, I actually like them. Driving to New Mexico in a day is completely chill with me, even though I'm closer to Canadialandialand than Arizona.
All I ask is gas and a cheap dinner.
What? I despise people who willing keep another down for no other reason than convenience.
EDIT: hell, just gas even. I'd help with gas, but I have 0 money for it.

[Mishi]

That's horrid!
I really hope you get to go to the conference and that the surgeon will be able to help you! 3 1/2 hours of travel is NOTHING if there's a chance to keep you out of a wheelchair. (No offence intended, I just grew up seeing how frustrated my cousin was by hers and how much she hated it.)

Teh_Blumchenkinder - You're lovely!

[Frantic Freddie]

The advances in medical technology these days is amazing,there's absolutely no reason not to take advantage of it while you're still young.You might not be able to run marathons or climb mountains,but being able to walk a distance or jog a little or hike a trail easily will make your life so much better.

[Eisa]

Frantic_Freddie, Exactly! I know I won't ever be like...an amazing athlete or something [and I wouldn't even want to be. ] Just being able to stand for more than like 15 minutes without pain would be nice.

And no, I understand, Michi, I don't want to be in one, either! It would be a pain in the ass.

Teh_blumchenkinder is quite lovely. Eh, I'll just say it in here. It's in Sun Valley. Not sure where in Sun Valley yet, as I have to call my podiatrist back and say if I can go or not. My mom is supposed to ask tomorrow if she can switch with anyone and get an hour off work [so we're there more at 5, when he suggested, then at 6]. I THINK if she actually commits to getting off an hour early, that she'll have no other choice because she's very responsible about her job. The problem is if she can't. She'll make excuses. There's also the problem that it really might need to be at 5, not 6...I don't know yet. *sighs* Also, you are a wonderful, wonderful person. I would have NO problem at all paying for gas and dinner! <3

[teh_blumchenkinder]

The advances in medical technology these days is amazing,there's absolutely no reason not to take advantage of it while you're still young.You might not be able to run marathons or climb mountains,but being able to walk a distance or jog a little or hike a trail easily will make your life so much better.

My dad has had horrible, horrible back problems the last few years-- so bad, in fact, he's now retired because of it. As in spinal cord problems bad. He can walk, but only just, and it hurts for him to be up for more than 10 minutes. Wheelchairs and crutches are awkward at best. Even artificial limbs are awkward, but they are better than a chair/crutches, since it's one less thing to be less streamlined with (basically). I've done inquiry and research into what life is like with wheelchairs and being disabled in general on and off since before my dad hurt himself... and it stinks. To put it bluntly and succinctly. It stinks and I hate it and I'm not even disabled. I didn't want my dad hurt, I don't want him in a wheelchair or paralyzed, and I don't want it for anyone else. It offends my senses of Utilitarianism and justice.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

<snip> It's in Sun Valley. Not sure where in Sun Valley yet, as I have to call my podiatrist back and say if I can go or not. My mom is supposed to ask tomorrow if she can switch with anyone and get an hour off work [so we're there more at 5, when he suggested, then at 6]. I THINK if she actually commits to getting off an hour early, that she'll have no other choice because she's very responsible about her job. <snip>

:3 Glad you think so!
Odd, the last post I had seen was Freddie's... eh. Anyway. Yeah... I won't be letting my parents know, they wouldn't really get it/ call me irresponsible/ whatever, so I'm down for a call Thursday night (I'll be up until 2 at least). Sun Valley... mm... roads should be clear... I'll check anyway.
*crosses fingers for no precipitation, banks on shotty Idaho weather *
Update:
I learned something today. My bf doesn't get it either. He told me he'd tell my parents if I went. Which means I can't. Cuz I'd be so deep in the dog house I'd probably get taken out of college or something. I have no idea what they'd do. They'd frown a lot and take the car away.
I learned that if I have a crazy plan, to not tell anyone. I'm sorry, and I shouldn't have said anything.

[Eisa]

Awww, that's ok, teh. <3 I was kinda wondering about it myself, it's totally fine. <3 I think if nothing else, I can guilt trip her into it. Heavy, heavy guilt trip. And bitch like a teenager. Normally I wouldn't do that, but if it works...

Ok, so...I took a picture of my feet for no apparent reason. Pardon the mess in the background, I haven't cleaned my room in like 2 weeks.

I hope that's not too big...

[teh_blumchenkinder]

(wow internet. fail less. it took 15 minutes for this page to deal with itself.)
-____- ; As long as you don't hate me. I feel betrayed, really. If it was my car, then I'd give life the finger. I want to help, not just you, but whoever is in my life. I want to give out hundred dollar bills to not just waitresses, but the cable guy who comes by my house, or the dude at <local> coffee shop just because I can. I want to be rich so I can do this. I like being able to give, and I like giving-- regardless of any recognition for it. Having bf not understand what I tried to explain (see mini-rant previously in this thread) made me feel... let down. He said he'd come with me-- after he called into work (for both jobs since both happen on Friday and Monday). I understand what that would cost him-- both in $$ and in his own ethic-- which, one of many reasons why I love him is that he has a strong sense of right and wrong, strong enough to screw himself over. But he also said he'd tell my parents. And it's hard to articulate, but basically it would hurt them a lot, and I don't want that to happen.
*grumble* you shouldn't have to act like a teenager who 'just wants to go to a party with an older boyfriend' just to go to a medical conference so you can get help.

[Eisa]

[Wow, that is internet fail.]

Of course I don't hate you! It's kind of a long shot, anyway, you know? I mean...if I was your bf, I'd be a tad worried and stuff, too, even though I'd think it was awesome you wanted to help someone. But it would be like "ok you know her off a website? And you've never met her before? And you want to drive her WHERE?" That's also pretty sweet of him to offer to come with you, but yeah...it's one thing to miss a class or two, missing his job would definitely not be good! I'm just lucky this semester...I have no class on Friday.

Heh. And yeah, I shouldn't have to. >.> But fuck, if it works, you know? I could get my sister in on the act, too. My sister's a drama queen to the nth degree...but she's been pissed at my mom before, because my mother has a nasty habit of not giving a fuck about medical problems because they "cost too much." To the point of danger sometimes. I so want to say to her, "Bitch live in my shoes for just one day. You feel all that pain? Yeah, I get to feel that every day. Now what were you saying about not wanting to bother?" And it's really annoying because I told her in advance "ok these are the problems with it, but these are the reasons it would really be good." It's not like they're brand new to her.

I do have an older boyfriend, too... Too bad he lives on the other side of the country.

But anyway, yeah, it's totally fine, I promise. <3

[teh_blumchenkinder]

:3
XD yay for sisters. Usually, they're the 'poke you with bobby pins' type of siblings-- but then again, usually mothers aren't... *cough *
That is almost verbatim what he said. o_O
I just hope you can dig up a good doctor!
Hah! I just had the mental image of you walking into the convention center, stumping along, and one doc comes up to stare at you, poke poke, then another, then another, and then there's this mess of doctors having an impromptu panel over how to fix your legs... a one-woman party! Best. Advice. Ever.

[AccountingDrone]

:3
XD yay for sisters. Usually, they're the 'poke you with bobby pins' type of siblings-- but then again, usually mothers aren't... *cough *
That is almost verbatim what he said. o_O
I just hope you can dig up a good doctor!
Hah! I just had the mental image of you walking into the convention center, stumping along, and one doc comes up to stare at you, poke poke, then another, then another, and then there's this mess of doctors having an impromptu panel over how to fix your legs... a one-woman party! Best. Advice. Ever.

That sort of happened to me once ... I went in to the OB/GYN for my annual spelunking. They found a pea sized lump during the prodding and scheduled me about 4 weeks later for an ultra sound to check it out.

It had grown to ping pong ball sized in that 4 weeks. All of a sudden I had basically every doc in that section, and a bunch from oncology spelunking me and planning surgery. I swear I got prodded by about 15 doctors in about half an hour. One week of being run through every machine in radiology, and an operation later I'm in bed for 3 months healing up. Every time I went in for a checkup [for a while it was weekly] I kept getting asked if they could run a few independent duty corpsmen in training through to see the wound sites and poke around.

Apparently I ended up getting written up for whatever sort of tumor it was growing so rapidly. <shrug> the chemo sucked ass. I may bitch about military medical care, but they certainly moved extremely fast at that time.

[Eisa]

:3
XD yay for sisters. Usually, they're the 'poke you with bobby pins' type of siblings-- but then again, usually mothers aren't... *cough *
That is almost verbatim what he said. o_O
I just hope you can dig up a good doctor!
Hah! I just had the mental image of you walking into the convention center, stumping along, and one doc comes up to stare at you, poke poke, then another, then another, and then there's this mess of doctors having an impromptu panel over how to fix your legs... a one-woman party! Best. Advice. Ever.

Hmph. She's more that kind, apparently...cuz my mother got to her first.

Well, it IS a good argument...unfortunately. Although you could have said that hey, an entire website would know what was going on, so we'd each be a number 1 suspect...

That would be SO freaking awesome.

That sort of happened to me once ... I went in to the OB/GYN for my annual spelunking. They found a pea sized lump during the prodding and scheduled me about 4 weeks later for an ultra sound to check it out.

It had grown to ping pong ball sized in that 4 weeks. All of a sudden I had basically every doc in that section, and a bunch from oncology spelunking me and planning surgery. I swear I got prodded by about 15 doctors in about half an hour. One week of being run through every machine in radiology, and an operation later I'm in bed for 3 months healing up. Every time I went in for a checkup [for a while it was weekly] I kept getting asked if they could run a few independent duty corpsmen in training through to see the wound sites and poke around.

Apparently I ended up getting written up for whatever sort of tumor it was growing so rapidly. <shrug> the chemo sucked ass. I may bitch about military medical care, but they certainly moved extremely fast at that time.

Wow. That would be SO scary! I'm glad you got better, though. Thank Deity.



Wow. So yeah. "The roads are too dangerous." She's never been on them.

Yep. She's putting her inconvenience over my health.

Fuck my mother to fucking goddamn hell.

[Aethian]

Evil thought here but you could always tell your Mom you'll remember her passing on your pain as 'nothing' when she has her first heart attack or stroke...

*blinks* What?

I had a aunt who thought Mom should trade babies with her cause she always wanted another girl...This same woman then told us it was a scratch when my cousin bit off the end of his tongue.

[Eisa]

I like that.

So I'm not proud of it, but I pretty much burst into tears when she kept going on about how we're "probably not going." Of course the roads aren't ideal, it's WINTER. She keeps going "Well we'll ask Dr H if the guy will be back any time soon." Of course, he won't, he lives in OREGON!

But...maybe there's a tiny sliver of hope left. She said she hadn't told Dr. H "no" for sure yet. But I said might as well ask him if HE knows any magical way to get there, since she probably won't take me.

And she keeps saying "we already know what's going to happen." No, we don't. It doesn't HAVE to mean surgery.

Just...