What you really don't want to hear at work

[SwanJun]

"Yeah this is XXX Mall. You have a store here that was supposed to open three hours ago. We're going to have to fine you for non compliance with mall opening times." <real>

"We're closing down the office at 3 because of snow. Because the owner or one of the stores might call in we need you to stay by yourself until 5pm." <real>

"You know you're the face of the company, so you'd better start losing weight, you're unpleasing to my eye." <Sadly real, said by a courier when I was seven months pregnant>

"Your accent is so hot. I swear next time I'm in the office I am going to crawl under your desk and ****" <Real - by a District Manager>

[crazylegs]

Why have we got a magnetic 'Out Of service' sign?

Real

[Trayol]

From an honors class: "I can't wait to read your paper about (self-editing) vajayjay."

[Princess-Snake]

Not mine, but a friend who works at another store.
"Hell's B!tch is back! Run for your lives!" (sound of pounding shoes as a herd of employees stampede to the opposite side of the store as Hell's B!tch.) Apparantly, Hell's B!tch is a customer that can make even the most hard core of men break down crying and begging for their mommies. Real by the way.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

"Gotta put out something for the drunks to steal."

(sadly, real)

[Thatgirl71]

"Uuuuuuum, someone just took a dump in the back room...again"


real. unfortunately.

[Ironclad Alibi]

Real. On 9/11, one mile south of the Pentagon, as a flight of F-16s flew overhead.

"OMG, they're flying air cover over Washington."

[Rapscallion]

"Well, that's the first time I've had to use a fire extinguisher - for the right reasons..."

Real.

Rapscallion

[Sharsarannon]

"Hey Shar? Can I use your body for a second?"
"Ho S***- I just gave myself a cardboard papercut..."

(both real- Tales from the Studio)

[Dark-Star]

"Okay, who the **** did this call sheet?"

Very Real! The only time my super ever swore while within hearing range of all of us at once. In a voice quite calm but somehow with an edge of granite to it that made you wither in your seat and start PRAYING LIKE MAD that it wasn't your sheet...

[Geek King]

"My computer told me I had a virus, so I downloaded the program it told me to. Now there's a pop-up window blocking everything when I try to work."

"My computer melted my trashcan. Is that a problem?"

"There was a bug crawling on my phone when the network went down. Did that cause it?"


"Bzzzzt...POW!"

[JLRodgers]

From a client (and relative) of mine as was told to him, and passed on to me hoping I could do something:
"Yeah, someone deleted all the entries in the database." [to the live and active site] "Do you have any way of finding out who did it?" (sadly it's real)

Once I had to call the manger while working at a pizza place (she was over me, a tad) and asked the following:
"Um, is the dough supposed to be so hot it burns you when you touch it? Add more flour? I think it made it angry.... cool, if you put water on it it evaporates! Dump it? Good idea.... eh.... what if it melts the plastic bag?"

[Shangri-laschild]

"There is a skunk in the courtyard and the students are going to start showing up soon" - Real

[princess4life]

" I am squeezing my tea bags . . . . . Oh shoot is the phone on mute?" Real happened in the middel of a conferance call the other day.

[Geek King]

... conferance call the other day.

Ack! That reminds me of two more.

"We need the laptop, projector, screen, and conference phone set up for a 9 o'clock meeting." Said at 8:55.

"We need you to move all the computers to our new office today."
--Of course, that was the first I'd heard of it. Not nearly enough network jacks in the new office.