Tales From The Gallery (and hi!! :) )

[Marlowe]

Hi, I'm Marlowe I've been reading this site for months, but like the shy little book/comic nerd I am, I've not got to the stage of, you know, ACTUALLY TALKING TO PEOPLE.... until now.

(Have no fear. There is still time to run. I'm already in my pyjamas, and to get up would involve turfing at least three cats off me. You'll get one heck of a headstart if you go now...

*waits*

No? OK then )

Anyway, I used to work in full-on, "proper" retail, for want of a better word - mostly at small stores, eg a bookshop, a comic book shop, an "adult" shop, etc etc - although I've also been a waitress, done telemarketing for my college, tended bar, run a political office and attached store, sold political papers, answered phones/greeted people at a doctor's surgery and a lawyer's office, and run an online store (which I still do.) I wrote down all the crazy stuff that happened at those jobs too, so I'll post some of the stories in future...

I'm also a professional artist. And that's where this story comes in.

Last month was my graduate show, which was basically where I showed all my work for the year to anyone who cared to drag themselves up five flights of stairs because the lifts were broken again/still/as per the usual. As well as being a great outlet for us, all our work is - you guessed it - for SALE! And yes, there ARE SCs in art galleries! Many, many kinds...

(NB: I set my own prices. I don't list them, because they are kind of fluid - if you're an art student, and I like you, I'll give you a big discount (and in one case actually did a straight trade with them for some of their work) but if you're from a corporation or you're a total ass, you can bet you'll be paying BIG. In general there's a rough price I stick to, though.)



"We have a problem."


SC = Annoying snobby woman
H = SC's ridiculously meek spouse


Me: Hi, my name's Marlowe, I'm the artis-
SC: Are you the artist??
Me: ...Yes, Ma'am.
SC: That one. *jabs at piece* How much is it?
Me: That one would be 250, but if you buy a set then-
SC: Excellent! H! *snaps fingers at loitering Husband* Do you have change? Pay the girl!

Uh-oh.

Me: Ma'am, just to be clear, that's two HUNDRED and fifty, not two pounds fifty...

(I wish I could say she was the first to do this...)

SC: Well, that's too much!
Me: Well, if you buy a set, then I give discounts on-
SC: I'll give you 25. *gets out purse*
Me: Ma'am, the price is 250-
SC: And I'll give you 25.
Me: That's nice, but it's 250.
SC: 25 or nothing.
Me: Ma'am, the price is 250, take it or leave it.
SC: 25. *shoves money at me*
Me: I will not take 25.
SC: Well, then we have a problem.
Me: ...we do?
SC: 25.

At this stage, she is on the verge of chasing me around the room with the money.

Me: Ma'am, I'm not haggling, 250 is-
SC: Then we have a problem.
Me: Ma'am-
SC: 25.
Me: No.
SC: 25.
Me: NO.
SC: Then we have a problem.
Me: Ma'am, that may be true, but the difference between us is that my problem will go away when you do.
SC:
Me:
SC:

(I left her to it and went to get another wine. A BIG one.)



Sorry, I don't speak your particular brand of crazy


A man (M) wanders in. He seems fairly normal, but then again I do live in one of the more colourful parts of the city, so that may be subjective. We have a very nice talk about various art movements and my work, but then...

M: You should make a piece about 9/11.
Me: Uh, maybe I should, I-
M: *leans in* it was ALIENS, you know.

Oh God.

M: GeorgeBushObamaNazisAliensHealthcareUnabomberrambl eramble*
Me:


It took me almost half an hour to get rid of him.



Ew.


A younger guy came in, we chatted about my work, he seemed very knowledgeable, interesting, and sincere. When he left, he took a business card, and all was well... until approximately 2.4 seconds later, when I heard him tell his friend outside the door that he should "go see the hot redhaired girl with the planes" because "she's got fantastic tits." I then got to listen to him describe what he thought of and what he would like to do with my tits at length. Ew.



"You just don't UNDERSTAND me!!!11!!!"


A girl (G) in her early twenties walks in.


Me: Hi, I'm Marlowe, I'm the artist.
G: HI! I'M G!!!1!1!!!!!11!1!1!!!!!!!

(She really did speak like this. It was as if every word was in capitals and had at least four exclamation marks.)

Me: ...Hey, nice to meet you.
G: OMGILOVEYOURWORK!!!11!!!
Me: Thank you...?
G: YEAH I SAW YOUR NAME IN THE PAPER SO I JUST HAD TO COME FIND YOU!!!!!

Now, I like compliments, but I was beginning to think this girl was a few slates short of the full whorehouse.

Me: Really? That's so nice! Well, now you're here, there are lots of other artists here to-
G: YOU WON THE >Prestigious National Award< THIS YEAR RIGHT?!!1!!!
Me: ...Yes?
G: WOW YOU MUST BE LIKE REEEEEEEEEEAALLLLLLLY GOOD....
Me: ...


This went on for a painfully long time before I managed to palm her off on my friend S. S, if you read this, I'm sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me.



PS, I Hate You


Dear Old Man: I understand that life catches up on us all. I understand that the snacks served tonight were rather spicy, and that the beer was both cheap and very gassy. HOWEVER my space is NOT a convenient place to duck into every 30 seconds to pass gas! Do you not SEE the lack of windows? Have you not noticed how HOT it is in here??

Also, don't think I don't know what you're doing. It was basically this repeated over and over for THREE HOURS.

Old Man: *wanders in*
Me:
Old Man: Evening.
Me:
Old Man: *leaves*
Me:


The worst part? All those important gallery owners and agents and buyers at the show CLEARLY thought it was me.



Oh no, it's the Fashion Police!!!


SC: Why are your shoes off??
Me: I'm... sorry?
SC: Your shoes! They should be ON!
Me: Ma'am, it's 10pm, I have been standing in here for five hours and I have a bad knee. These are six inch platforms.
SC: I don't care! It's unprofessional! You should be ashamed of yourself! *storms out*
Me:



"You just don't UNDERSTAND me!!!11!!!" - Part 2


G: HEY MARLOWE!!!!1!!!!11!!!

Oh no. Why? Why, world?

Me: Hi... how are you?
G: I BROUGHT SOME OF MY WORK TO SHOW YOU!!!!

She produces this enormous sketchpad stuffed full of loose papers. Oh God.

G: *thrusts book under my nose* DO YOU LIKE THEM??!!!???!!!111!!!
Me: I-
G: I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKE THEM MARLOWE!!!1!!!
Me: I-
G: SO DO YOU LIKE THEM??!!!!??

This book was full of what were basically a step above stick figures... but stick figures with truly ENORMOUS genitalia. Stick figures doing obscene things. Sometimes with each other, sometimes alone, sometimes in groups, and sometimes with... animals...

Until now, I never believed stick figure drawings could be quite so graphic.

Me: Well, I-
G: YOU LIKE THEM RIGHT??!!?!?! RIGHT?!?!!?! OR I MIGHT JUST LOSE MY MIND HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Hate to break it to you, but I think it's too late. Write it off as a loss now, before that crazy dude who lives under the bridge finds that wife he has been so desperately seeking. I'm sure you'd be very happy together shouting racial slurs at passing trucks.

Me: They're very... reminiscent... of... uh... some of Emin's figures-
G: I HATE EMIN!!!! WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT??

Because you're crazy?

G: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD SAY THAT TO ME!!!!! *bursts into tears, snatches book and runs away*
Me:



F***ing LIBERALS!


SC: So, what else do you make work about?
Me: Well, a lot of things, recently I've been looking into post-conflict and conflict society, for example the situation in Palestine-
SC: *snort* F***ing Ay-rabs! (and yes, she pronounced it like that...)
Me: Ma'am-
SC: The world'd be a better place if we just nuked the f***ing lot of them, towel-headed terrorist bastards-
Me: OK, get out. Now.
SC: And LIBERALS!!!11!!!!1!!!
Me: Get out or I will call security.
SC: BITCH!!!!!


Luckily for her, she left. I may be small, but I'm from a tough area of town. I once saw off a group of three guys/intending attackers single-handed and sent one of them to the ER. And believe me, my temper was wearing thin.



And finally, some short quotes from my beloved visitors...


SC1: I can't believe you're charging for this! It's just pieces of cardboard stuck together!
Me: And I can't believe you paid actual money for that toupee, Sir, so I guess we both learned something today.

------

SC2: GHOUL!!!! GHOOOUUULLLLL!!!! *runs away*
Me:

------

SC3: THAT'S NOT ART! I'VE DRAWN BETTER ART WITH MY OWN S***!





And... wow, that was long. Sorry.

Anyway, it's nice to finally meet you all... any other artists here who have dealt with stuff like this at gallery shows?

[EricKei]

Wonderfully epic. And yes, we do indeed have other artists of various stripes around these parts. I think you'll fit in just fine.

to !
The is on the table to your left (as it seems you are indeed of age, from what I read), and, of course, we always have plenty of brain bleach for dealing with those annoying memories that just won't go away on their own.

Someone should be along with bacon and cookies shortly.

[Marlowe]

Mmmmmmm bacon. And cookies! I once went to a shop in Portland OR that sold bacon doughnuts. I knew there was a reason I loved that town

[Pagan]

Mmmmmmm bacon. And cookies! I once went to a shop in Portland OR that sold bacon doughnuts. I knew there was a reason I loved that town

We've got an awesome donut shop here, Rebel Donut, that does Pancakes & Bacon, Maple Bacon Bar, and the best donut ever, Red Chile Chocolate Bacon.

[Marlowe]

Wow. I... want to visit your town. I could make a Doughnut Tour of the United States (and Canada, because I freaking love Canada, and I'm 1/4 French-Canadian ) I've never been to NM, but I've been through Nevada and to Utah - I know the states are close together on the map, but then again I also know that the US is way, way bigger than Ireland... and I have a lot of trouble comprehending the sheer distances involved, even though I've taken the train from Chicago to San Francisco and I KNOW how long that f***er takes.

Actually, I once met a guy from New Mexico when I was in New Orleans. He told me I was a shaman and that I was a bridge straddling two worlds. Then he tried to stroke my hair. It was... bizarre.

[XCashier]

Mmmmmmm bacon. And cookies! I once went to a shop in Portland OR that sold bacon doughnuts. I knew there was a reason I loved that town

Would that be Voodoo Doughnuts, by any chance? Great stuff!

Great first post, look forward to more! to

[the lawsmeister]

Hi,

Luckily for her, she left. I may be small, but I'm from a tough area of town. I once saw off a group of three guys/intending attackers single-handed and sent one of them to the ER. And believe me, my temper was wearing thin.

Now that sounds like a story worth posting if you're of a mind to do so

[EricKei]

Yeah, New Orleans is like that ~_~

We do have our own great "doughnuts", tho. Beignets ^_^

And, of course, buttermilk drops (really good donut holes). Can't go wrong there unless you hit that weird shop with the white and red color scheme. Crunchy Stream or something, I dunno.

[fireheart]

Would that be Voodoo Doughnuts, by any chance? Great stuff!
:

I believe they did a parody of that in a Simpsons episode. Except there they had a Russian Nesting Donut. (It's the one where Homer and Marge try to fit in with a "cool" family from Portland(?) and end up being ostracized because Marge doesn't breastfeed and Homer just tries too hard.)

We do have our own great "doughnuts", tho. Beignets ^_^
.

Er what?

[HotelMinion]

LOL. Is it wrong that I laughed at most of these? Esecially the farting old man. And what was up with that crazy girl. OMG. Wow I had no idea that kind of crap goes on in galleries....:\

[Sandiercy]

Er what?

Pronounced BinYay, delicious french doughnuts.

Up here, we have Timmy's, Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Donuts, and this http://cartems.com/ who have these on sale for the summer. http://cartems.com/wp-content/upload...6/Image-12.jpg

[Marlowe]

Would that be Voodoo Doughnuts, by any chance? Great stuff!

YES. I love Voodoo Doughnuts. And Rocco's Pizza (although I heard that closed ) And *deep breath* POWELL'S! I think I could quite happily live in Powell's for EVER.

[Marlowe]

LOL. Is it wrong that I laughed at most of these? Esecially the farting old man. And what was up with that crazy girl. OMG. Wow I had no idea that kind of crap goes on in galleries....:\

Ohhhh yeah. Though in retrospect it does kind of make sense, given the quantity of drugs consumed by art students, that in years to come their brains would have become deranged.... Or, you know, maybe I'm a magnet for crazy.

The old man kept coming back, by the way. By the end of the night I was ready to scream/choke/vomit at his stinky ass. I mean, I understand letting the occasional one slip out, but come ON! This guy was just so brazen and unapologetic about it it was RIDICULOUS.

[sms001]

SC: Then we have a problem.
Me: Ma'am, that may be true, but the difference between us is that my problem will go away when you do.

Gold.

Nice write-up, Marlowe, and welcome aboard.

I don't wanna go out on a limb second guessing someone from their first post, but you seem feisty enough so I have to ask: why didn't you call farty man out on his shenanigans? "Oi! You! Stop farting in my space, or I'll sic Stick-figure girl on you."

[Skarredmind]

SC: Then we have a problem.
Me: Ma'am, that may be true, but the difference between us is that my problem will go away when you do.

I read this and all I could think of was Mel Brooks saying, "Its good to be the King." LOL

Welcome aboard!!