Snappy comebacks...

[Jester]

Back when I was a kid, I read a lot of Mad Magazine. One of my favorite parts was "Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Questions."

We have detailed many stupid SC questions on this site, but I would like to hear some of your or your coworkers' better comebacks to some of those stupid questions, or even not involving stupid questions per se. Comebacks that you didn't just think, but said, out loud, often without thinking. Also, what was the result? Did they laugh? Did they get mad? Do tell, do tell.

In that vein, I will start off with my friend, E. She had a great comeback to a stupid touron question.

SC: "When is the Sunset Celebration?"
E: "Shortly before dark."


When I worked for the hotel call center, I had this infamous exchange with a caller.

JESTER: "[detailing all the stuff caller gets with room they asked about]...and a complimentary continental breakfast."
CALLER: "HOLY SHIT!"
JESTER: "No ma'am. I said a complimentary continental breakfast."

She couldn't stop laughing for a good five minutes.


At the main place for Key West's Sunset Celebration, there is across the harbor a small island, Sunset Key. I am not good with distances, but I would estimate it is about a few hundred yards out from the wharf where everyone goes for the Celebration. For comparison sake, Cuba, another island, is 90 miiles away...and in a different direction. This one comes courtesy of my friend "Blondie", who worked at a bar on the wharf.

TOURON: [indicating Sunset Key] "Is that Cuba?"
BLONDIE: "Yes. It's much further than it appears."


I have mentioned this one before, but it is a classic, and my coworker almost got fired for it. Phonetic spelling added so you can see what was said.

SC: "How is the mer-lott?"
CW: "Really good. It goes great with the fill-lett."


Drunk woman was standing on the sidewalk on Duval Street, facing me, as I was outside the entrance to a club I worked at.

DW: "Where's Duval Street?"
ME: "Darlin', turn around."


In Key West, you are allowed to walk around downtown with your alcoholic beverages, something not allowed in most American cities outside of New Orleans. This surprises some people....some more than others.

TOURON: "Can we walk and drink?"
JESTER: "I don't know. Let me check." [proceeds to walk a few steps while sipping his beer] "It appears to be possible."
BARTENDER: "I don't know, Jester. It really depends on how much you've had to drink."


Okay, who's next?

[Ljt09863]

Jester, i love you. you always make me laugh.

[friendofjimmyk]

I'm glad this member had a sense of humor or else I would've been in trouble.

He called in to have someone come and unlock his car. He locked the keys in it while it was still running...

MB - Member
ME - Me

MB - I can't believe I did this! I feel so stupid! I've never done anything like this before!
Me - It's okay, sir. I'll have someone come out right away to laugh at you.

He laughs...thank god

MB - I guess I deserve that!

[KaeZoo]

Okay, I heard this secondhand from a co-worker, and it probably doesn't qualify as "snappy" or maybe even "true". But it makes a nice fantasy.

SC: <angry> Do you know who I am?
CSR: No, sir, but if you'll wait a moment we'll see if we can find out. <picks up pager> Attention, customers: we have a gentleman at the customer service counter who does not know who he is. If anyone in the store can assist this poor man, please come to customer service.

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

"I can't get to Web Crawler." (one of the first web search engines)
"I know sir, someone stepped on the spider accidently and they're interviewing new ones."
"Oh...ok. I'll just use Altavista for a while"

Holy sheet! Did he just take me seriously?

"Hi I'm calling to let you that yor computer is ready to be picked up."
"Why didn't you call me to let me know?"
"Because I thought calling you would be faster than calling you."
"Oh, ok...how much is the damage?"

insert sound of brain cells curling themselves into the fetal position en masse

"When will my computer be ready?"
"In about three hours."
"How long is that?"
"Three hours from now."
"Ok, thanks" <click>

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Mongo

[Department stores *sigh*]

think i posted it before but the whole

SC: you know i can get this cheaper at 'x'x store right?
Me: Well you have an easy decision to make dontcha?

Said that too two customers. The first found it pretty funny the 2nd wasnt very amused.

[Deceptitech]

After helping a customer get the serial number on his handheld internally because the label printing was rubbed off. It took less time to find the SN internally than it did for him to explain the problem.

C: Ignorant(NOT stupid) customer
D: Evil tech support bastard

C: Now I bet that was the dumbest thing you've had to deal with today.
D: Patience sir, I just started my shift.

He had a very good long laugh over that.

[chainedbarista]

no so much a snappy comeback as a 'pointing out the incredibly obvious' moment:

customer: do you sell coffee here?

me: *looks in a long, drawn out manner around the bar, drip machine, signage and display areas, then looks back at the customer*

'yes.'

[Becks]

MB - I can't believe I did this! I feel so stupid! I've never done anything like this before!
Me - It's okay, sir. I'll have someone come out right away to laugh at you.

He laughs...thank god

MB - I guess I deserve that!

The member sounds like me...but I'm not a guy...

Grrrrrrrrrr. You know what I mean.

[Jester]

Jester, i love you. you always make me laugh.

Thanks.

no so much a snappy comeback as a 'pointing out the incredibly obvious' moment:

customer: do you sell coffee here?

me: *looks in a long, drawn out manner around the bar, drip machine, signage and display areas, then looks back at the customer*

'yes.'

I have done that at the (now being renovated) bar in the hotel where we had literally over 200 bottles of liquor on the back bar. People would walk up, ask if we sold drinks, and I would slowly turn around, survey the Altar Unto Alcohol, turn back to them, and ask, "Drinks? What are these drinks you speak of?"

Have I mentioned that I am a smartass?

[repsac]

Savannah is another city that lets you take a "traveler" as we call it. IE: take a drink outside and walk.

I've been the center of several little witty moments myself, most coming from several years ago when I did work for SGPI (South Georgia Paranormal Investigation) In a word. Ghost hunters. Ok...two words. Sue me.

While standing under a sign proclaming "NO PARKING. Cars will be towed at owners expense!" This car pulls up with New Jersey tags. Lady leans out.

Lady: (Speaking slowly, like I wouldn't understand her) "Can. We. Park. There?"
Me: (Looks up at the sign, back to her.) "I suppose so."

Later, when I came back by, they were calling the police to report their car stolen.

Some other quickies, not sure where all happened or when.

Man with New England accent: "Can you tell me how to get to Buford street?"
Me: "Yes."
Man: .... "Well?"
Me: "You just asked if I told you how to get there. Not for the actual directions."
-----------------
Would you pose with me? I've never met an ignorant redneck before.

And I ma'am, have never met an a**hole. I suppose this will be the first for both of us.
--------------------

Is this really Savannah?

Nah. It's a theme park conveniently disguised to look like a city. Everyone you see here is an employee.
--------------------------
Do you speak english?

No, I don't. Why?

(this one oh'ed some and turned to walk on further to ask someone else that question.)
-----------------------
Could I get a vegetarian all meat pizza?

(This, left me speechless.)
-----------------------
This place is so backward. I can't find anything. It's all different. You there, where is the bathroom?

Behind the door labled bathroom, under the sign pointing to it.
----------

[Department stores *sigh*]

[QUOTE=Deceptitech;35831]C: Ignorant(NOT stupid) customer
D: Evil tech support bastard

C: Now I bet that was the dumbest thing you've had to deal with today.
D: Patience sir, I just started my shift.

QUOTE]


haha yah i hate calling tech couse i always feel ignorant then they tell me something i already know but didnt do >.<
example:
Me: dumb me
T:Tech Guy

Me: Hi im locked out of the work computer. My co-worker didnt log off and locked the computer. I dont have her password.
T: So your just locked out?
Me: Yup
T: Just restart the cpu sir.
Me: ...............Can we pretend i didnt call?
T: Not a problem

ahh i felt like a dolt =P

[Primer]

Last Thursday noon I was waiting at a stoplight and an 18-wheeled slammed into the back of me. (yes, I'm relatively ok). When the ambulance got me to the ER, the nurse asked me how I was feeling. All I could come up with was, "I feel like I've been run over by an 18-wheeler."

It's now my sig!

[Deceptitech]

haha yah i hate calling tech couse i always feel ignorant then they tell me something i already know but didnt do >.<
example:
Me: dumb me
T:Tech Guy

Me: Hi im locked out of the work computer. My co-worker didnt log off and locked the computer. I dont have her password.
T: So your just locked out?
Me: Yup
T: Just restart the cpu sir.
Me: ...............Can we pretend i didnt call?
T: Not a problem

ahh i felt like a dolt =P

That's a simple brain fart. Later in the shift I got a customer who wanted to use the Windows install on his Mac. Fun because they are clearly marked "Windows OS Install" and "Mac OS install". I would imagine your tech support person had a chuckle, but not really laughing at you. He would enjoy calls like that as opposed to having someone trying to get their DSL to run on windows 3.12 with 4 megs of RAM. Yours was easy. Easy calls are cherished in tech support. Just remember there is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. An ignoprant person will be told something and with the light from the 100 watt bulb they have in their head, they will use that knoweledge for the rest of their lives. Stupidity will have them hear that information and tell you that you are wrong and that you have no idea what you are doing.(Yep, tech support has no clue as to how to do things, that's why they are tech support.)

[South Texan]

I overheard this yesterday at a fast food place.

SC: So is everything on the dollar menu a dollar?
cashier: Yes, that's why its called the dollar menu.
SC: So I can get that burger for a dollar?
cashier: Yes, that's why its on the dollar menu.
SC: So how much will it cost for two of them?
cashier: <rolls eyes> $3.50.
SC: Then I'll take two.
cashier: <dumbfounded stare>

I cracked up at that point.