Snappy comebacks...

[Jester]

I almost forgot one I heard years ago on campus.

I was on line at a little snack booth, and overheard the following conversation:

CUSTOMER: "I'll have a bagel and cream cheese please."
SNACK DUDE: "That's $1.20, $1.35 with the tax."
CUSTOMER: "I'd like it without the tax, please."
SNACK DUDE:

I about fell over laughing.

[Cia_agent]

i used to work for Yogen Fruz, and ppl would come up and say
"i want a blue thing"
all the staff and i would go over EVERYthing blue in the store, we knew they wanted a blue slushi, but we would grab everything else that was blue first...
we had alot of blue things..

[Kitten in the box]

Here's some of mine directed at me; (me=me C=customer)

C=Does a bear shit in the woods? (asked after I offered her help to her car)
M:That depends on the type of bear....some live in zoos and the artic

(more if I can remember them all)

[Jester]

C = Does a bear shit in the woods?

I had a customer ask me this once recently. I made a point of looking all around me (we were outside), looking them right in the eye, and saying, "Darlin', this is Key West. No woods. No bears."

[South Texan]

C=Does a bear shit in the woods?

My favorite of that genre was "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"
The guy who said it was serious.

[Mark Healey]

When I worked at the campus pizza place sorority bops would always ask how many slices a given size pizza had. I always responded that we could slice it into as many as as they wanted. I'm so glad that these girls weren't quick enough to ask that it be cut into a number of slices where 2 wasn't a factor.

A slice isn't a unit of measure.

[Imogene]

Okay, I heard this secondhand from a co-worker, and it probably doesn't qualify as "snappy" or maybe even "true". But it makes a nice fantasy.

SC: <angry> Do you know who I am?
CSR: No, sir, but if you'll wait a moment we'll see if we can find out. <picks up pager> Attention, customers: we have a gentleman at the customer service counter who does not know who he is. If anyone in the store can assist this poor man, please come to customer service.

I know the rest of that story, as do many of our members here, I'm sure. Sadly, I believe it is an urban legend, as the entirety of the story has far too few details to prove it actually happened.

A particular airline was forced to cancel a flight one holiday, and of course, had angry customers up the wazoo at one of the service desks. One of these customers waltzed right up to the counter, bypassing the line of angry people, and told the agent standing there something along the lines of: "I'm a very important man, I must make a flight to wherever I'm going by ten o'clock! Do you know who I am?"
The attendant looks at the man, then at all the customers waiting to bitch to her about the cancelled flight, and grabs the intercom. "Attention, customers, we have a passenger at the desk who seems to have forgotten his identity, if anyone knows who he is, please come to the counter and inform him."
Passenger gets red in the face, and storms off, yelling "F*** you!"
The attendant calls after him "There's a line for that, too, sir."

[Amalthea]

One of my managers is one of those types with a real dry, sarcastic sense of humor. Here are a few exchanges he's had with customers:

M: Manager
C: Customer

C: Can I ask you a question?
M: You just did.

~~~~

C: Do you know where the cookbooks are?
M: Yes, I do.
C: ...
M: Oh, did you want to know where they are?

~~~~

C: Hi, I'm looking for a book...
M: ::hands customer some random book off the counter:: Here ya go.

~~~~

There's been many more, but I always laugh and then promptly forget what he said.

[pbmods]

customer: do you sell coffee here?

me: *looks in a long, drawn out manner around the bar, drip machine, signage and display areas, then looks back at the customer*

'yes.'

Heh. Me, I woulda been:

*looks in a long, drawn out manner around the bar, drip machine, signage and display areas, then looks back at the customer*

'I'm sorry... "coffee"? We only serve Frappuccinos here.'

[pbmods]

Not exactly 'snappy' per se, but a definite favorite of mine:

A customer asks me a question to which I have no answer. So I respond:

"Good question. Lousy answer."

[Jester]

Two I use frequently:

C: "We have some questions."
J: "I have some answers. They may or may not be right."

C: "We have a question."
J: "I have an answer. And if not, I'll make one up."

[Kogarashi]

I don't get to direct snappy comebacks at customers, lest I get a complaint filed against me, but here are a few I've used before (and rather gotten in the habit of using).

M=me, S=someone else

S: I've got a question.
M: I've got an answer. Let's see if they match.

S: What's up?
M: The ceiling (other answers include: The sky, Heaven, *finger pointing up and a straight face*)

S: What are you up to?
M: About 5'11".

And this one annoys a bunch of people. I blame my dad for this one.

S: Can I leave this here? (or some variant of "Can I ____?")
M: I don't know, can you?

[Jester]

SC: "I'd like that food right away."
ME: "Sorry, sir, they do have to cook it first."

[MadMike]

S: What's up?
M: The ceiling (other answers include: The sky, Heaven, *finger pointing up and a straight face*)

S: What are you up to?
M: About 5'11".

And this one annoys a bunch of people. I blame my dad for this one.

I've often used both of those myself. Another answer to the first one is "the opposite of down."

Like you said, it annoys people to no end.

[Imogene]

S: What's up?
M: The ceiling (other answers include: The sky, Heaven, *finger pointing up and a straight face*)

My responses include: The floor, a direction, a word, thatta way, and so on. I love explaining some of those to people.