The dumbest questions from customers

[Drakstern]

Oh, these are all classic...

My contribution may not equal them, but here we go...

Grocery Store

Most common

SC: *Comes in through the entrance, walks past and partly through the produce department to get to the service desk.* Where's your produce at?

Most 'bwah?'

SC: *This is asked to me specifically, not the female coworker standing near me, also not doing anything. PS, i'm a guy* How do I use a pregnancy test?

Most 'huh?'

SC: *Brings up food* If these are on sale for 2 for 5.00 dollars, can I get one for 2.50?
Me: Yes.
SC: And three for 7.50?
Me: Uhhh... yeah...
SC: Okay. *Leaves food on the counter and exits the store.*
Me: ...what just happened?

Call center

Me: *Answers* Thank you for calling the glass department, how can I help you?
SC: Is this the glass department?

[Jester]

Now, I'll have to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. To me, a mudslide is equal parts Kahlua and milk. Maybe he was wondering if you had/could use a nonalcoholic version of Kahlua or a Kahlua flavouring. If he was ordering a nonalcoholic version of a highball or a simple mixed drink ("I'll have a virgin Ceasar, barkeep" or "I'll have a rye and Coke. Hold the rye.) then I would have to say that the guy is an idiot.

First of all, I have to correct you slightly. A mudslide is Kahlua, Bailey's, vodka, ice cream, and chocolate sauce. What the people wanted was all those flavors, but without the booze. Now, if this had been a one or two-time deal, it wouldn't have bothered me as much, but this happened quite often, and the people were always surprised to find out that, no, we could not duplicate those flavors without alcohol. Some of them were really upset, actually. In any case, a nonalcoholic mudslice is, for all intents and purposes, a chocolate shake.

[MadMike]

SC: *This is asked to me specifically, not the female coworker standing near me, also not doing anything. PS, i'm a guy* How do I use a pregnancy test?

My wife got something like this back when she worked at the drugstore. Although she's obviously female, this still seemed like a dumb question. Another customer picked up a douche, and asked her how to use it. She told her the instructions were in the package, but that didn't seem to help. Maybe she couldn't read and didn't want to admit it, I don't know.

She tried to tactfully explain how to use it, but was getting nowhere. Eventually, she got another female coworker to try to help her. The other coworker didn't get anywhere either, until out of sheer frustration, told her, "You just stick it up your tw*t and squeeze!"

I think everyone within earshot had to run into the back room quickly because they couldn't hold back the laughter.

[csdrone]

Phone rings (it is about an hour after we opened).
SC: "Are you open today?"
Me: (politely but planning to howl with laughter later on): "Yes ma'am we are!"
CW:
SC: "Thank you."

Calling and saying something stupid is not so bad: we all do it BUT WHY else would a LIVE Human answer the farking phone? Do you think Big Corporation hires random people to answer the phone in a closed building?

[dougiezerts]

I've posted this elsewhere, but. . .
Me--What city, please?
SC--Maryland.
Maryland is a state, moron!

[Amalthea]

My most hated and most often received stupid question:

"Oh, really?"

As in:

SC: "Do you have <book>?"
Me: "Sorry, I'm out of stock/it's not published yet/it's out of print."
SC: "Oh, really?"

No, not really. I like to make up crap and see if you'll actually buy it. It's like they think I don't know how to do my job, or something. Honestly, makes me want to scream "YES REALLY!!!!!"

[repsac]

One I fully expect to hear soon is relating to a side hobby of mine.

It's rather obscure, but I make cheese. Not as hard as you'd expect, and it can be rather amusing and fun. My favorite thing to make is a kind of cream cheese made from yogurt and salt. Somewhat tangy, with a salty kick, which goes great on toast or bagels.

I have been asked these numerous times when I go to the local fair to sell my cheeses. My comments in ()'s.

Why is the chedder white? (because I didn't add yellow food coloring to it?)

Do you sell american Cheese? (You mean that stuff which isn't cheese whose main ingredient is an oil? No.)

What's in this? (Uh..milk, more milk, some culturing agents, and milk.)

*picks up a small wheel of cheese* Is this really cheese? (No, It's a door stop conveniently disguised as food.)

*points to blue cheese* Do I get extra off because it's molded? (Only if you pay me double.)

Can I buy this in the store? (you're welcome to try...)

*picking up some Labhan (my favorite.)* Is this cream cheese? (Yeah, sorta. It's greek though. Very similar in taste, but with a salty tangy kick.) Oh. If it's cream cheese, where's the foil wrapper?

Do you make this yourself? (No, I have elves do it for me. The sign that says homemade is just for advertisement.)

(while not questions, these always get me. Usualy spoken by drunks or know it alls)

That's Ricotta cheese. You can tell by the way it's cured and hard. (actually, that's a styrafoam block holding up the chedder cheese. I've not replinished it yet.)

Goat cheese just means that he used low fat milk. Goats don't give milk. (And that toupee doesn't look totally fake.)

By far, this little blurb from last season has to be my favorite yet. I was polite, but honest. Maybe, I should have lied.

Man walks up with his wife. I guess he was trying to impress her.

Do you sell blue cheese?

(Yeah. I've a few wheels and cakes of it floating around.)

*to me, but more to her* Do you know where the blue comes from? It's a reaction that causes a blue pigment in the cheese. It's not really mold. See that, that's Limburger. It gets its smell from a mold that's in the milk. It's really just spoiled milk.

(Ah, sir? I hate to tell you but you're wrong. Both have a mold in them, or at the very least a culture from it. THe mold is similar, and oddly enough something many people come in contact with. It's the same thing that makes you get Athletes foot. The only difference here is in Blue cheese, it produces a pennicillium mold, which you can also get Penicillin from; and a more pure variation of the athlete's foot fungus in the Limburger. It's the fermentation process that produces the smell. Still, if you want to get technical, you're partly right. All cheese is really just spoiled milk.)

I had never, until then, actually witnessed a person turn green. I'd heard of it, but didn't think it was true.

[heather124]

UM: "Do you have an upstairs?"
ME: "Um....yes...." [looking at the clearly visible upper level, which was just up the stairs in front of which we were standing]
UM: "Where is it?"
ME: "Um.....right there." [pointing at said clearly visible upper level]
UM: "How do I get there?"
ME: "Um.....walk....up.....the stairs?"
UM: "Okay, thanks." [walks away]

I get that all the time too! and it's usually when they're already standing on the bottom step, hand on the railing, looking up the stairs!

[RecoveringKinkoid]

This is a really common one. You'd be amazed at the number of people who don't get this simple concept:

SC: (bringing in,say, an 8.5 x11 inch photo. Nice standard size there. ) I want this enlarged.

Me: Okay. What size paper would you like it on?

SC: Oh, I don't want it on large paper. I want it on the same size paper.

Me: Okay. How would you like it cropped?

SC: I don't want to crop it. I want to use all of the picture, on the same size paper. I just want it bigger.

Me: Um, Sir, that's not physically possible...

SC: Can we get someone over here that knows what they are doing?

Or, in a slightly different version of the same mentality:

SC: (bringing me a vertical, landscape formatted picture. ) I would like this blown up to fit into this (bringing me a horizontal, portrait oriented frame that is only usable in that particular orientation.)

Me: Okay. How would you like this cropped?

SC: Oh, I don't want it cropped. I want to use all of it, and I want it to fill thr frame completely.

Me: Um, Sir, that's not physically possible...

SC: Can we get someone over here that knows what they are doing?

[CrazedClerk]

I would be so tempted to reply "I was just thinking the same thing"

[HawaiianShirts]

Not really a customer, but here's mine for the day.

Me: (Answers phone) *Electronics Store* Computers, this is HawaiianShirts.
Caller: Hi. I have a question...
Me: Okay... What's your question.
Caller: Oh. Well, I'm *Jane* from *some legal office.* I have a worker's comp. claim for an employee of your company, and I need to talk to someone about that. Is that you?
Me: You... I'm sorry, what was that?
Caller: I'm helping an employee of your company file a worker's comp. claim, and I need some information. Do I talk to you about that?
Me: Uh... no. I just sell computers.
Caller: Oh, is THAT why that phone menu said "computers and office equipment?"
Me: Yep. Surprisingly accurate, that menu.
Caller: Yeah... So, who do I talk to?
Me: Is this an employee from this particular store?
Caller: No, he works in *other store in other town*.
Me: Then you'll need to call either the corporate office's HR department or the manager of that store.
Caller: You can't help?
Me: Not unless you need a computer.
Caller: Oh. *click*

[Spiffy McMoron]

First of all, I have to correct you slightly. A mudslide is Kahlua, Bailey's, vodka, ice cream, and chocolate sauce.

Huh. I didn't know that-I always thought that a Mudslide was the same as a Brown Cow. Thanks for teaching me something Jester! Now, do you want to come to my housewarming party on Saturday and be the bartender? We might pay you, and you'll get all the pretzels you can stomach.

[Pagan]

That's Ricotta cheese. You can tell by the way it's cured and hard. (actually, that's a styrafoam block holding up the chedder cheese. I've not replinished it yet.)

Goat cheese just means that he used low fat milk. Goats don't give milk. (And that toupee doesn't look totally fake.)

Oh....my....Goddess!? I just heard thousands of brain cells cry out in terror and then fall silent.

[AFpheonix]

JESTER: "Now, separate the red cards from the black cards."
WOMAN: "How do you know they're all going to be red or black?"

Smile enigmatically, and say "With MAGIC! OOOOOOOOO!!!!!"


My stupid questions of the day:
Multifarious people with Kaiser insurance who couldn't seem to get that only Kaiser insurance works at Kaiser facilities. My god, do these people not read what they're signing into? Oh wait, that was a stupid question on my part....

[Jester]

Smile enigmatically, and say "With MAGIC! OOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

What I acutally did do was look at her like, HUH?

But it became part of the "script" of the routine now. When I am performing this trick, this part now sounds like this:

"Now separate the red cards from the black cards. One time when I was doing this, a lady said to me, she actually said to me, 'How do you know they're all going to be red or black?' [pause] Even her friends looked at her kind of funny!"

This always gets a laugh. And yes, her friends DID look at her kind of funny! And now it is a great part of a great routine that really had a lot of empty space in that one spot. Thank goodness for stupid people!