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I wish I was kidding, but read on.....
( Today's my birthday too. I'm old. >< )
Feats of Engineering
SC: "You don't have to tell them. Its just so you know. I'm building lasers."
Er….thanks? Are you building them right now as you're talking to me? Can I build some lasers too? I'm no expert on the construction of lasers, but if I had to take a wild guess based on what I estimate are your technical skills, I'd say I'm going to need crayons.
Weekly Quota
Me: "Good evening, <company name>"
SC: "<Heavy breathing>"
Thank you, I had not yet had my weekly "Heavy lustful breathing" call. I feel pretty again.
If I Only Knew
SC: "Why does this get connected to you?"
Why indeed. I can, however, assure you it’s not because I want it too. In fact, I would suggest it may even be punishment for crimes I've committed in a past life.
Rome
( Yes, he meant to say Circle K. Yes, I pulled the call record out just to make sure I heard it right... o.O )
SC: "I'm standing right here with the Circle Gay guy-"
…..Circle….Gay…..guy? Either you're thinking of something else entirely or you're at a completely different type of establishment then I originally thought. Oh well, when in Rome. Stuff a dollar bill in his thong for me.
Lost
SC: "Do you have my everything?"
…um….no……did you….lose it somehow? Did it hurt? Do you need some ice or something?
Writing Tools
You know I spent a full 30 seconds looking for a pen in the office this morning before the absurdity of what I was doing struck me. Then I laughed and laughed. Then I went back to writing with the piece of charcoal I found outside on the steps a couple weeks ago. Good ol faithful charcoal, nobody will ever steal you. Well…maybe if you were edible they would.
( If you leave a pen anywhere in this office it'll be gone inside of 10 minutes. Plus we have someone who keeps stealing random food items from the other people....like, utterly random: Milk, soups, sandwiches, blocks of cheese, salsa.... )
Handyman
SC: "Yeah, I got a water leak. I tore all the jiprock off the wall to see if I could find it but I don't see any water in the wall."
Wait, you did WHAT? You did irreparable damage to your home to see if you could find the water leak yourself? Then, after doing lord knows how much money worth of damage to your own property, you didn't even find the water leak? I don't know whether I should applaud or just point and laugh at you. Hell, let me do both. Hahahahahha, <claps>
Don't strain yourself
Me: "would you like to order anything else?"
SC: "Uhh…….uh……hold on I'm thinkin' about this…."
Yes, I know. I can smell the smoke.
Orderlines
Me: "Good evening, <company na-"
SC: "I want to order xxxx-xx"
Whoa! Hold up there skippy. Don't get ahead too far ahead yourself. You might trip and hit your head on the coffee table. I doubt the impact would do much damage to you personally, but I worry for the coffee table.
Groove
<insert name of security company> had ACDC just blasting in the background when they called. So, if nothing else, I can be assured that <company name< does in fact "rock out". I'd headbang along but my headset would come off.
That'll show me
Me: "and did you want to use Visa or Mastercard?"
SC: "I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THAT LATER!!!!"
Me: "…..!?"
SC: "MATT, I"LL TELL YOU ABOUT THAT LATER!!!"
Me: "….."
SC: "Sorry."
No, please, don't stop on my account. By all means, continue to scream at the top of your lungs at people in the background. Feel free to do so at random when I'm least expecting it too. That'll keep me on my toes.
Brownie Points
If you don’t have your VIP ID handy, just say so. Don't tell me why you don't have it. I don't require an explanation. Don't tell me you forgot it, or you threw it out, or its at home but you're calling from work/in the car/on the street/in the bathroom/while rolling your chinchilla in a mixture of weed and Jack Daniels, or its downstairs and you can't be bothered to roll yer lazy arse down a flight of stairs.
Trust me, if you explain, I'm just going to deduct brownie points for you being lazy/unprepared/glue sniffing and you don't want to lose brownie points. Brownie points are valuable and they taste like candy. You do want candy, don't you?
Rome: Part 2
Me: "and what company are you from?"
SC: "Cox Communications."
Me: "…pardon?"
SC: "Cox."
Me: "….can you spell that?"
SC: "C-o-x. Cox.""
Me: "Ok."
I just had to make sure I was hearing that right. That’s a rather unfortunate name to give your company, doesn't exactly sound like you guys work with electronics….. In fact, hey, do me a favour: Turn to the technician closest to you and stuff a $1 into the waist of his pants. Since it seems like we're still in Rome.
Surprises
Without fail every time I have to call the security guard for this company I have the follow exchange:
Me: "Hi, it’s <mycompany> calling. I just had a message for you-"
SC: "No, this isn't <mycompany>, this is security."
Me: "No I'M <mycompany>."
SC: "Oh."
Every time. I don't know if he's messing with me or if he's seriously that dense. Considering my level of faith, I'm going with the second option. Afterall, the lower my expectations the more likely I'll be pleasantly surprised….. Of course, I've yet to be surprised on this shift. ( Pleasantly, anyway ).
Expanded Title!
I ran into Mr "Fat chicks" the hobo again this morning……he told me I was a "shapeshifter" and because I was such, I might be able to "keep her alive.". Whomever "her" is. So, let's see….if I go back to my original tally, I think that brings my entire title too: Robert Keith the Homicidal Shapeshifting Call Center Jesus.
En trees
The 7/11 clerk asked me if I had to actually heat up frozen pasta en trees in order to eat them. No, not really, I prefer to just pull the cover off and suck on them like a gigantic mac & cheese Popsicle. Mhmm….mac & cheese Popsicle. He also for no apparent reason wanted to know if it was spicy. Yes, its spicy, but you eat it frozen. By God, now I know what my callers do when they aren't calling me.
Pandora's.....Box?
Pandora Poon is also an extremely unfortunate name to have. Your parent's are cruel. But thank you for the laugh.
Questions
Me: "-and what's your phone number?"
SC: "Ah, I don't know. You guys keep asking me that….."
Yeah, we're kind of bastards that way. We do it to aggravate you, not because its actually vital information if you want a call back or anything.
Death to America!
Caller expressed his cheerful desire to see Americans strung up on the gallows. He then gave me the same, tired old "Death to America". Sheesh, get some new material. The whole Death to America thing has been done to, well, death. Can't we move on? Find a new slogan? Like Jock Itch to America? Or maybe Underwear Uncomfortably Crawling up the Crack of Your Ass to America?
In closing, apparently I am also a "c*cksucker"……I believe I will decline to add that particular title to my name tag with the rest of them.
Sheesh
Me: "Good Morning, <company nam-"
SC: "Send me one of those infopacks that they're showing on the TV in front of me right now!"
Yes sir! Right away sir! Please don't beat me!
You know, your medical plan might just cover the removal of large, cumbersome objects lodged up the backside. You may wish to look into it.
Fail
( Conversation I had with one of our clients when she called to check for new tech cases )
Me: "Hmm...nope, I don't have any new cases for you."
SC: "You sure? You must have at least a few."
Me: "Nope, none. I have utterly failed at life."
SC: "Well, see if you can find a life over the weekend."
Me: "I'll try, but I can't make any promises."
Regular clients are more fun ;p
Thats my week in a nutshell. ;p A hard, bitter, angry nutshell that fell under the couch.
( Today's my birthday too. I'm old. >< )
Feats of Engineering
SC: "You don't have to tell them. Its just so you know. I'm building lasers."
Er….thanks? Are you building them right now as you're talking to me? Can I build some lasers too? I'm no expert on the construction of lasers, but if I had to take a wild guess based on what I estimate are your technical skills, I'd say I'm going to need crayons.
Weekly Quota
Me: "Good evening, <company name>"
SC: "<Heavy breathing>"
Thank you, I had not yet had my weekly "Heavy lustful breathing" call. I feel pretty again.
If I Only Knew
SC: "Why does this get connected to you?"
Why indeed. I can, however, assure you it’s not because I want it too. In fact, I would suggest it may even be punishment for crimes I've committed in a past life.
Rome
( Yes, he meant to say Circle K. Yes, I pulled the call record out just to make sure I heard it right... o.O )
SC: "I'm standing right here with the Circle Gay guy-"
…..Circle….Gay…..guy? Either you're thinking of something else entirely or you're at a completely different type of establishment then I originally thought. Oh well, when in Rome. Stuff a dollar bill in his thong for me.
Lost
SC: "Do you have my everything?"
…um….no……did you….lose it somehow? Did it hurt? Do you need some ice or something?
Writing Tools
You know I spent a full 30 seconds looking for a pen in the office this morning before the absurdity of what I was doing struck me. Then I laughed and laughed. Then I went back to writing with the piece of charcoal I found outside on the steps a couple weeks ago. Good ol faithful charcoal, nobody will ever steal you. Well…maybe if you were edible they would.
( If you leave a pen anywhere in this office it'll be gone inside of 10 minutes. Plus we have someone who keeps stealing random food items from the other people....like, utterly random: Milk, soups, sandwiches, blocks of cheese, salsa.... )
Handyman
SC: "Yeah, I got a water leak. I tore all the jiprock off the wall to see if I could find it but I don't see any water in the wall."
Wait, you did WHAT? You did irreparable damage to your home to see if you could find the water leak yourself? Then, after doing lord knows how much money worth of damage to your own property, you didn't even find the water leak? I don't know whether I should applaud or just point and laugh at you. Hell, let me do both. Hahahahahha, <claps>
Don't strain yourself
Me: "would you like to order anything else?"
SC: "Uhh…….uh……hold on I'm thinkin' about this…."
Yes, I know. I can smell the smoke.
Orderlines
Me: "Good evening, <company na-"
SC: "I want to order xxxx-xx"
Whoa! Hold up there skippy. Don't get ahead too far ahead yourself. You might trip and hit your head on the coffee table. I doubt the impact would do much damage to you personally, but I worry for the coffee table.
Groove
<insert name of security company> had ACDC just blasting in the background when they called. So, if nothing else, I can be assured that <company name< does in fact "rock out". I'd headbang along but my headset would come off.
That'll show me
Me: "and did you want to use Visa or Mastercard?"
SC: "I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THAT LATER!!!!"
Me: "…..!?"
SC: "MATT, I"LL TELL YOU ABOUT THAT LATER!!!"
Me: "….."
SC: "Sorry."
No, please, don't stop on my account. By all means, continue to scream at the top of your lungs at people in the background. Feel free to do so at random when I'm least expecting it too. That'll keep me on my toes.
Brownie Points
If you don’t have your VIP ID handy, just say so. Don't tell me why you don't have it. I don't require an explanation. Don't tell me you forgot it, or you threw it out, or its at home but you're calling from work/in the car/on the street/in the bathroom/while rolling your chinchilla in a mixture of weed and Jack Daniels, or its downstairs and you can't be bothered to roll yer lazy arse down a flight of stairs.
Trust me, if you explain, I'm just going to deduct brownie points for you being lazy/unprepared/glue sniffing and you don't want to lose brownie points. Brownie points are valuable and they taste like candy. You do want candy, don't you?
Rome: Part 2
Me: "and what company are you from?"
SC: "Cox Communications."
Me: "…pardon?"
SC: "Cox."
Me: "….can you spell that?"
SC: "C-o-x. Cox.""
Me: "Ok."
I just had to make sure I was hearing that right. That’s a rather unfortunate name to give your company, doesn't exactly sound like you guys work with electronics….. In fact, hey, do me a favour: Turn to the technician closest to you and stuff a $1 into the waist of his pants. Since it seems like we're still in Rome.
Surprises
Without fail every time I have to call the security guard for this company I have the follow exchange:
Me: "Hi, it’s <mycompany> calling. I just had a message for you-"
SC: "No, this isn't <mycompany>, this is security."
Me: "No I'M <mycompany>."
SC: "Oh."
Every time. I don't know if he's messing with me or if he's seriously that dense. Considering my level of faith, I'm going with the second option. Afterall, the lower my expectations the more likely I'll be pleasantly surprised….. Of course, I've yet to be surprised on this shift. ( Pleasantly, anyway ).
Expanded Title!
I ran into Mr "Fat chicks" the hobo again this morning……he told me I was a "shapeshifter" and because I was such, I might be able to "keep her alive.". Whomever "her" is. So, let's see….if I go back to my original tally, I think that brings my entire title too: Robert Keith the Homicidal Shapeshifting Call Center Jesus.
En trees
The 7/11 clerk asked me if I had to actually heat up frozen pasta en trees in order to eat them. No, not really, I prefer to just pull the cover off and suck on them like a gigantic mac & cheese Popsicle. Mhmm….mac & cheese Popsicle. He also for no apparent reason wanted to know if it was spicy. Yes, its spicy, but you eat it frozen. By God, now I know what my callers do when they aren't calling me.
Pandora's.....Box?
Pandora Poon is also an extremely unfortunate name to have. Your parent's are cruel. But thank you for the laugh.
Questions
Me: "-and what's your phone number?"
SC: "Ah, I don't know. You guys keep asking me that….."
Yeah, we're kind of bastards that way. We do it to aggravate you, not because its actually vital information if you want a call back or anything.
Death to America!
Caller expressed his cheerful desire to see Americans strung up on the gallows. He then gave me the same, tired old "Death to America". Sheesh, get some new material. The whole Death to America thing has been done to, well, death. Can't we move on? Find a new slogan? Like Jock Itch to America? Or maybe Underwear Uncomfortably Crawling up the Crack of Your Ass to America?
In closing, apparently I am also a "c*cksucker"……I believe I will decline to add that particular title to my name tag with the rest of them.
Sheesh
Me: "Good Morning, <company nam-"
SC: "Send me one of those infopacks that they're showing on the TV in front of me right now!"
Yes sir! Right away sir! Please don't beat me!
You know, your medical plan might just cover the removal of large, cumbersome objects lodged up the backside. You may wish to look into it.
Fail
( Conversation I had with one of our clients when she called to check for new tech cases )
Me: "Hmm...nope, I don't have any new cases for you."
SC: "You sure? You must have at least a few."
Me: "Nope, none. I have utterly failed at life."
SC: "Well, see if you can find a life over the weekend."
Me: "I'll try, but I can't make any promises."
Regular clients are more fun ;p
Thats my week in a nutshell. ;p A hard, bitter, angry nutshell that fell under the couch.
I should know better!!!!!!!!!!
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