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Return of the Queen
Well, my lovely vacation outside the prison walls for a year is over and I'm back inside the cellhouses, and you know what that means. It's storytime!
CW = Coworker
IM = Inmate (my "customers")
ME = The one and only
Her Majesty
IM: *rings into the cellhouse control room I was working in*
IM: Can you turn my phone on?
ME: Alright, it's on. I leave the inmate's intercom on and also turn on his neighbor's intercom, because his neighbor is on disciplinary restriction and was not allowed to use the phone and had tried to get me to turn it on for him anyway.
IM2: Alright, I'm gonna give you my PIN so you can call my people. Is your phone on?
IM: Yeah, I talked to the officer and she turned it on.
IM2: She?
IM: Yeah, the officer up there in the bubble.
IM2: Nah, see, that officer is like, one of them.... queens or something. Fucking bitch wouldn't turn my phone on, I'd like to cut that fuckin fag.
Oh, you want to cut me? Because I wouldn't turn on your phone, that you aren't allowed to have and you know it. Also, one of them "queens?" Actually, you're right. In my own way, I *am* Queen.
Hail to the Queen, baby.
Let the Games Begin
IM: So, is it Miss or Mrs Kara?
ME: Miss. But "Officer" will be fine.
IM: So... you're saying I have a chance.
ME: You have a chance to walk away and never make a comment like that again before you get written up, yes.
You'd think the uniform would be a deterrent, but this is a game to these guys. To see how easily they can get a woman "caught up" with them. And the harder we make it for them to get to us, the harder they try. We know they're gaming us, they know we know they're gaming us. And it never ends.
My Hero
IM: Hey CO, I know you're making your rounds right now, but later on when you aren't doing anything, can you come back up here to my door and talk to me?
ME: I've got some time, what do you need?
IM: Well, not right now. You've been really busy today, so now that things have slowed down you should go back to the desk and relax a little bit.
ME: Yeah, things didn't go as planned today, but I'm fine.
IM: Well, just come back on your next round. You need to sit down and rest. I don't want you falling because you're too tired. I can't protect you from in here.
ME: Okay, number 1, don't ever make a comment like that to me again. Number two, I don't need anyone to protect me.
Right, like I'm going to want a convicted multiple rapist to be my protector. And he'll do such a great job at it, you know, being stuck in his little cell 99% of his time. I mean, really dude?
Freakin REALLY???
IM (same one from the last story, same day): I was hoping you didn't forget about me.
ME: No, I said I'd talk to you on my next round.
IM: So when do you think you'll be going to the restroom?
ME: What?
IM: Well, I have something for you to read, but I don't want the sarge down there to give you any trouble over it, so you should wait til you go to the restroom and read it then. Then I'd like to know what you think about it.
ME: Okay, I told you I'd talk to you, I don't have a problem talking to any inmates who want to talk to me. But I said you aren't going to talk to me like this again. I'm not the type of girl who gets all weak in the knees because some guy gives her a compliment. I'm not an idiot, I don't play these games.
IM: Wait, you got me all wrong. It's nothing like that, I'm not trying to play any games. I just want you to read this and let me know what you think.
ME: .....Okay, fine.
So I took his note. It was called "Truthful Thoughts" and he even put "Page 1 of _" on it. I don't want to know how many volumes of love letters he was planning. It was all about how much he respected me for being who I am and how I was different from the other officers and he wants to get to know me "as a woman, friend, and hopefully more." Oh, and his #1 priority was to "always" protect me. I read it at the desk and my Sgt wanted to know what I was laughing about. I said, "evidence," and let him read it.
Oh, and I did let the inmate know what I thought of his note. He probably figured it out when they served him with the write-up from me for trying to establish a personal relationship with me.
Hide and Seek
IM: So do you live in this town?
ME: I live in the area.
IM: But do you live here?
ME: You don't need to know that.
IM: Well, I get out next June. I'm releasing to (local city).
ME: Good for you. Don't come back.
IM: Ima come find you.
ME: You don't need to find me. I'm not lost.
IM: Well.... I... uh... Okay, I don't have a response to that. Good answer.
Yeah, make the mistake of coming to find me. I'll show you my assortment of sharp, pointy objects.
o.O
IM: Hey, did you guys smell the CO today?
IM2: No, why?
IM3: She smells GOOD!
IM: Yeah, you should get a whiff next time she walks by.
ME: Seriously, why the hell are yall smelling me?
I've had several comments about my body spray, but this was just a weird conversation to hear.
Speaking of Smells
CW: Hey, do you smell that?
ME: Huh?
CW: Dude, it smells like updog in your cell.
IM: What the hell is updog?
CW: Nothin, what the hell's up with you?
ME: *snerk*
IM: Aw, get the hell away from my door.
I love working with this particular CW. She has a similar twisted sense of humor and appreciation for stupid jokes as I do. And that should be a requirement for this kind of job.
Fail
IM: Hey CO, you smell like updog.
ME: Hey dumbass, I was standing right here when she said that to you.
IM: Oh yeah. Never mind.
Lulz.
Wait, what?
IM: Hey Miss Kara, can I talk to you a minute?
ME: Okay, what's up?
IM: Well, I've been watching you for awhile and I want to say I really respect how you carry yourself and what you've done.
ME: Oh? Well, I appreciate that.
IM: You know, you are a very beautiful woman, inside and out. So, what I want to know is, what are you looking for?
ME: What?
IM: What are you looking for?
ME: What am I looking for... as in, what, exactly?
IM: I just want to know what you're looking for.
ME: Well, here, I'm just looking to do my job.
IM: But, like, what are you looking for in a man?
ME: Oh for- *facepalm*
IM: I'm not talking about right now. But I get out in a couple months, and-
ME: No. Just, no.
IM: Why not? You wouldn't date a man who'd done time?
ME: I don't get involved with anyone from this place. Not my coworkers, and not inmates. Current or former. And this conversation is over and we aren't going to have it again.
IM: You're breaking my heart.
ME: Life sucks like that sometimes.
Remember the guy from the first story, the one who wanted to cut me? Yeah, this is the same damn guy like 2 weeks later. He didn't know I overheard that comment he made to his neighbor, but still... what the hell? And yeah, it's all part of their game, but I am now allowed to quote Bruce Campbell twice in the same post.
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.
CW = Coworker
IM = Inmate (my "customers")
ME = The one and only
Her Majesty
IM: *rings into the cellhouse control room I was working in*
IM: Can you turn my phone on?
ME: Alright, it's on. I leave the inmate's intercom on and also turn on his neighbor's intercom, because his neighbor is on disciplinary restriction and was not allowed to use the phone and had tried to get me to turn it on for him anyway.
IM2: Alright, I'm gonna give you my PIN so you can call my people. Is your phone on?
IM: Yeah, I talked to the officer and she turned it on.
IM2: She?
IM: Yeah, the officer up there in the bubble.
IM2: Nah, see, that officer is like, one of them.... queens or something. Fucking bitch wouldn't turn my phone on, I'd like to cut that fuckin fag.
Oh, you want to cut me? Because I wouldn't turn on your phone, that you aren't allowed to have and you know it. Also, one of them "queens?" Actually, you're right. In my own way, I *am* Queen.
Hail to the Queen, baby.
Let the Games Begin
IM: So, is it Miss or Mrs Kara?
ME: Miss. But "Officer" will be fine.
IM: So... you're saying I have a chance.
ME: You have a chance to walk away and never make a comment like that again before you get written up, yes.
You'd think the uniform would be a deterrent, but this is a game to these guys. To see how easily they can get a woman "caught up" with them. And the harder we make it for them to get to us, the harder they try. We know they're gaming us, they know we know they're gaming us. And it never ends.
My Hero
IM: Hey CO, I know you're making your rounds right now, but later on when you aren't doing anything, can you come back up here to my door and talk to me?
ME: I've got some time, what do you need?
IM: Well, not right now. You've been really busy today, so now that things have slowed down you should go back to the desk and relax a little bit.
ME: Yeah, things didn't go as planned today, but I'm fine.
IM: Well, just come back on your next round. You need to sit down and rest. I don't want you falling because you're too tired. I can't protect you from in here.
ME: Okay, number 1, don't ever make a comment like that to me again. Number two, I don't need anyone to protect me.
Right, like I'm going to want a convicted multiple rapist to be my protector. And he'll do such a great job at it, you know, being stuck in his little cell 99% of his time. I mean, really dude?
Freakin REALLY???
IM (same one from the last story, same day): I was hoping you didn't forget about me.
ME: No, I said I'd talk to you on my next round.
IM: So when do you think you'll be going to the restroom?
ME: What?
IM: Well, I have something for you to read, but I don't want the sarge down there to give you any trouble over it, so you should wait til you go to the restroom and read it then. Then I'd like to know what you think about it.
ME: Okay, I told you I'd talk to you, I don't have a problem talking to any inmates who want to talk to me. But I said you aren't going to talk to me like this again. I'm not the type of girl who gets all weak in the knees because some guy gives her a compliment. I'm not an idiot, I don't play these games.
IM: Wait, you got me all wrong. It's nothing like that, I'm not trying to play any games. I just want you to read this and let me know what you think.
ME: .....Okay, fine.
So I took his note. It was called "Truthful Thoughts" and he even put "Page 1 of _" on it. I don't want to know how many volumes of love letters he was planning. It was all about how much he respected me for being who I am and how I was different from the other officers and he wants to get to know me "as a woman, friend, and hopefully more." Oh, and his #1 priority was to "always" protect me. I read it at the desk and my Sgt wanted to know what I was laughing about. I said, "evidence," and let him read it.
Oh, and I did let the inmate know what I thought of his note. He probably figured it out when they served him with the write-up from me for trying to establish a personal relationship with me.
Hide and Seek
IM: So do you live in this town?
ME: I live in the area.
IM: But do you live here?
ME: You don't need to know that.
IM: Well, I get out next June. I'm releasing to (local city).
ME: Good for you. Don't come back.
IM: Ima come find you.
ME: You don't need to find me. I'm not lost.
IM: Well.... I... uh... Okay, I don't have a response to that. Good answer.
Yeah, make the mistake of coming to find me. I'll show you my assortment of sharp, pointy objects.
o.O
IM: Hey, did you guys smell the CO today?
IM2: No, why?
IM3: She smells GOOD!
IM: Yeah, you should get a whiff next time she walks by.
ME: Seriously, why the hell are yall smelling me?
I've had several comments about my body spray, but this was just a weird conversation to hear.
Speaking of Smells
CW: Hey, do you smell that?
ME: Huh?
CW: Dude, it smells like updog in your cell.
IM: What the hell is updog?
CW: Nothin, what the hell's up with you?
ME: *snerk*
IM: Aw, get the hell away from my door.
I love working with this particular CW. She has a similar twisted sense of humor and appreciation for stupid jokes as I do. And that should be a requirement for this kind of job.
Fail
IM: Hey CO, you smell like updog.
ME: Hey dumbass, I was standing right here when she said that to you.
IM: Oh yeah. Never mind.
Lulz.
Wait, what?
IM: Hey Miss Kara, can I talk to you a minute?
ME: Okay, what's up?
IM: Well, I've been watching you for awhile and I want to say I really respect how you carry yourself and what you've done.
ME: Oh? Well, I appreciate that.
IM: You know, you are a very beautiful woman, inside and out. So, what I want to know is, what are you looking for?
ME: What?
IM: What are you looking for?
ME: What am I looking for... as in, what, exactly?
IM: I just want to know what you're looking for.
ME: Well, here, I'm just looking to do my job.
IM: But, like, what are you looking for in a man?
ME: Oh for- *facepalm*
IM: I'm not talking about right now. But I get out in a couple months, and-
ME: No. Just, no.
IM: Why not? You wouldn't date a man who'd done time?
ME: I don't get involved with anyone from this place. Not my coworkers, and not inmates. Current or former. And this conversation is over and we aren't going to have it again.
IM: You're breaking my heart.
ME: Life sucks like that sometimes.
Remember the guy from the first story, the one who wanted to cut me? Yeah, this is the same damn guy like 2 weeks later. He didn't know I overheard that comment he made to his neighbor, but still... what the hell? And yeah, it's all part of their game, but I am now allowed to quote Bruce Campbell twice in the same post.
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.
i had a coworker pull that one me for an hour or so. I never got the joke until a couple of years later. 
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