Dumb questions customers ask...

[auntiem]

When I was working at the Victoria's Secret Call Center, I had a guy call up and wanted to ordera a bra for his wife/girlfriend/can't-remember-what. So I asked him what size. Here's his answer, verbatim, "Oh, she's about a handful."

I used to get this all the time when I worked at a adult toy/intimate apparell store, but the guys would go: "about this size" while cupping their hands mere inches from my own chest and twisting their hands back and forth. The truely sad thing is that after awhile I could tell them exactly what cup size that was. I always wanted to add: "dude, if you truely touch your girlfriend boobs like that you may want to consider including some other items from this counter over there to that gift".

[Cosmic Cat]

While working at McDonald's: What do you have that's healthy?

At Sears: Do you sell tools?

Customer: *pulls out photo of kid* Do you know what size he would wear?

My mom: How do you download Yahoo.com?
Me: You can't.
Mom: Yes you can! I did it before! Now how do I do it?
Me: I DON'T KNOW! *stomps off because Mom is impossible and never listens*

[Jester]

SC: "So, what's the difference between these two rackets."
Me: "That's a tennis racket and that's a badminton racket."
SC: "Can I use the badminton one to play tennis?"

JESTER: “Yes. Badly.”

I feel your pain. I can't believe how many people don't know that when you're alpha'ing by name, it's the person's last name. Don't know how many times I've found people looking for Gwen Stefani in the G's, Barbara Streisand in the B's, Loreena McKennitt in the L's, etc.

I have actually been in numerous music stores that alphabetize the artists by their first name. Sheryl Crow in the S’s, Belinda Carlisle in the B’s, Stevie Nicks in the S’s, etc.

Man: Excuse me, are you open?
Me: Yes sir, we are 24 hours.
Man: Your side doors are closed.
Me: Yes sir . . .?
Man: So how am I supposed to get into the store?

I have already told the story of Upstairs Man many times here, and every time I tell it, more of my brain cells decide that life is no longer living. I am hoping that merely the mention of Upstairs Man will send you all into uncontrolled fits of laughter and giggling, and that I won’t actually have to retell it again, but if you insist, I will.

But either way, I will mention some of my other Stupid Food Service Customer Questions.

WOMAN: “What kind of fish is the Key West Grouper?”
JESTER: “Umm…grouper…?”
Her husband and myself were both desperately restraining ourselves from giggling.

WOMAN #2: “What kind of soup do you have?”
JESTER: “We have blah, yada, yeah, and uh huh.”
WOMAN #2: “So, if I get the half sandwich and soup, it has to be one of those soups?”

MAN: “What soups do you have?”
JESTER: “We have blah and yada.”
MAN: “No tomato soup?”
JESTER: “No, just blah and yada.”
MAN: “What, you don’t have a can of tomato soup in the back you can just open up for me?”
And why do you go to restaurants again?

…in a fine dining restaurant I worked in:
MAN #2: “My son wants a burger, but I don’t see any burgers on your children’s menu.”
JESTER: “That is because we don’t have any burgers in the restaurant, sir.”
MAN #2: “So you can’t just make one anyway?”

[i]If you ask me “Where are the bathrooms?” I will answer you politely, succinctly, and correctly. If, however, you ask a stupid question, you will get one of my smartass answers.:
STUPID CUSTOMER: “Do you have bathrooms?”
JESTER: “No.”
STUPID CUSTOMER #2: “Do you have bathrooms?”
JESTER: “No. We discontinued them.”
STUPID CUSTOMER #3: “Do you know where your bathrooms are?”
JESTER: “Yes.”
STUPID CUSTOMER #4: “Can you tell me where your bathrooms are?”
JESTER: “Yes.”

CUSTOMER: “Can I have a virgin mudslide?”
JESTER: “A chocolate shake? Sure.”

This one happened just tonight:
CUSTOMER: “I’d like a frozen margarita. A flavored one. Can you make it lime?”
JESTER: “You mean a regular margarita? Sure.”

UNDERAGED CUSTOMER: “Can I get a drink?”
JESTER: “Sure. Can I see some ID?”
UNDERAGED CUSTOMER: “Can’t you just pretend that you saw my ID?”
JESTER: “Sure. Just as long as you pretend to drink the drink I am going to pretend to serve you.”

CUSTOMER: “I’d like a [whatever alcoholic drink they order].”
JESTER: May I see some ID, please?”
CUSTOMER: *sigh* “Do I really have to show you my ID?”
JESTER: No, you don’t, but under Florida law, if you want a drink, yes, you do.
CUSTOMER: “Is it really that big a deal?”
Hmmm…State Law? Nah, not that big a deal.

WOMAN: “I’d like a [whatever alcoholic drink they order].”
JESTER: “Sure. May I see some ID please?”
WOMAN: “I’m 28.”
JESTER: “I don’t doubt that, ma’am. But under state law, if you look 30 or under, I have to ask for your ID.”
WOMAN: “Why would I be with this 35 year old guy if I was under 21?”
Lady, I can think of several reasons, none of which I am going to dare say. But trust me, there are a bunch.

PHONE CUSTOMER: “What time do you open?”
JESTER: “5:30.”
CUSTOMER: “So what time do you start serving dinner?”
JESTER: “5:30.”

CUSTOMER: “Can I get a Mountain Dew?”
JESTER: “I’m sorry, we don’t have Mountain Dew. We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, and Ginger Ale.”
CUSTOMER: “So…no Mountain Dew then?”

And finally, my all-time favorite, and the only one on this list that did not happen to me directly, but to a coworker. The key words are spelled phonetically so you can understand how this sounded.
CUSTOMER: “How is the mur-LOTT?” (merlot}
COWORKER: “Oh, great. It goes really well with the fuh-LETT.” {filet)
Yes, he almost got fired for that one.

[Cosmic Cat]

WOMAN: “What kind of fish is the Key West Grouper?”
JESTER: “Umm…grouper…?”
Her husband and myself were both desperately restraining ourselves from giggling.

That reminds me of a certain incident.

Customer: What brand of fish is white fish?
Me: Huh?
Customer: Who makes white fish?
Me: God...
Customer: No! What company, like Starkist?
Me: White fish is not a brand. It is a species of fish.
Customer: You don't get it! You are so stupid!

[shoegirl]

Here are a couple of gems I still get a good chuckle out of, even though they happened some time ago.

SC: Where do you keep the frozen peas?
Me: ( I can't help being slightly sarcastic) Um, I'm not sure, but I think you'll find them in the freezer.
SC: Are you sure?

SC: I was told I can get in the store earlier with this upgraded membership card. Right?
Me: Yes, that's right. Sir.
SC: Okay, so how do I get in when the doors are locked?
Me: If the doors are locked, that means we're closed.
SC: Okay. So how do I get in?
( Hey, the card's not going to get you in at 4:00 in the morning, moron!)

I don't know if this next one falls under stupid questions, but it's close enough I'll share it with you anyway. This didn't happen to me personally, but comes from our returns department. Although it was several years ago, this one is still laughed about from time to time.
SC: I want to return this computer.
NE (nice employee): Okay. Your reason for returning it?
SC: It's possessed.
NE: (Resisting an urge to say ("Hey, they all come that way!") Excuse me?
SC: I tell you, it's possessed, and I won't have it in my house!
(I don't know if pop-ups were freaking her out or what, but we took her computer back.)

[AFpheonix]

My favorite silly question from lately:

"Do you give out free samples of vicodin?"

Uhhhh.....no.

[Retail Associate]

I cover the jewelry dept when the Jewelry Diva is on break or lunch. The following happened a few days ago.

SC: "These earrings were 40% off yesterday. Has the sale ended?"

Me: "Yes. It ended at midnight."

SC: "Can't you give me the 40% off anyway?"

Me: "No, I can't do that."

SC: "Can I put these on layaway?"

Me: "Yes but layaway closed at 9PM."

SC: "Well, I think I'll buy them anyway. I don't have my credit card with me but I have the numbers. Can you just enter my account numbers into the register?"

Me: "No ma'am. I need the actual card."

SC: "The other store (same chain across town) always does it."

Me: Like I've never heard that one before

[AFpheonix]

My usual response to "but so and so lets me do it" is usually nod my head, make a sympathetic noise like "mmmm", then look at them expectantly. If I could get away with saying "That's nice", I would

[pbmods]

SC: "The other store (same chain across town) always does it."

Me: Like I've never heard that one before

"Oh really? Did you know you can scam them into giving you free product? Just tell them you forgot your card and give them the numbers, then dispute the charge on your statement, and there won't be a damn thing they can do about it!

Oh, and by the way, you're banned for life. "

[Tito]

At 7pm, during a decent rush:

"Are you closed?"


...Yes

I've never gotten that, but I've gotten asked if we were open while filling in on the switchboard. No! I'm just sitting here while the office is closed answering the phones out of the kindness of my heart!

[hotelslave]

Getoutofmylobby

I work at a Hampton Inn as well. Hopefully not for much longer. Hotel is all kinds of messed up. They don't pay well enough to care any more.

[Maximillion]

I've been working at Burger King for two years now but of all the stupid questions I've been asked, this one tops them all:

SC: What's the difference between a Tendercrisp sandwich and a Tendergrill?"

Me: -rolls eyes and prepares to say something sarcastic- "A tendergrill is a grilled sandwich, hence the name 'tendergrill' and the tendercrisp is fried...hence the name tenderCRISP."

SC: "Well you didn't need to get smart with me."

Whatever, It's not my fault you know nothing about context clues.

[Cia]

"Do you give out free samples of vicodin?"

They used to! I saw an epi of 'Antiques Roadshow' when they were up in North Dakota - Bismarck, Fargo or Mandan - don't remember which. Anyways this lady had brought in a box of samples that her Mom had sent away for back in the 30's and there was a strip of vicodin tablets in there. None of the samples looked like they had been opened but jeez that's a dangerous one to keep around.

Hey I remembered to put a 'c' in Bismarck. Go me!

[captainvegetable02]

I got this one on Sunday...

Customer: "Your hair is so pretty, how do you get it curled like that?"
Me: "My hair is naturally curly."
Customer: "Oh, really? Well how should I style mine to get curls like yours then?"
Me: "Umm, I really don't know...I've never had to curl my hair before, since it's...naturally curly." *head explodes*

[AFpheonix]

They used to! I saw an epi of 'Antiques Roadshow' when they were up in North Dakota - Bismarck, Fargo or Mandan - don't remember which. Anyways this lady had brought in a box of samples that her Mom had sent away for back in the 30's and there was a strip of vicodin tablets in there. None of the samples looked like they had been opened but jeez that's a dangerous one to keep around.

Hey I remembered to put a 'c' in Bismarck. Go me!

Back when you could get codeine cough syrup OTC, too