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My Mind Says No, But My Ass Says Yes
Yeah, we're about to go places. Dark places. ><
Alternate Uses
Me: “Ok, and what size would you like?”
SC: “2XL”
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t have 2XL in stock. I have XL?”
SC: “Hmm ok, I’ll take XL. I can hang it.”
You can…hang it you say? You know, I spent a minute or two reviewing that statement, trying to find some sort of logical context for its usage. But I’m afraid I was unable to arrive at any reasonable conclusion. I did come to two unreasonable conclusions, however. So let me share those two scenarios with you and see if either one is accurate:
Scenario 1:
You find the shirt so alluring that your immediate thought was: “Well if I can’t have it as a shirt, I’ll take it as a flag.”. With which you could adorn your abode for +2 Environment.
Scenario 2:
You’re going to apply good old fashion moxy and use the shirt to hang a seal carcass from a tree overnight where bears can’t get it. Thereby stretching it to your desired proportions.
If either of these are correct, please let me know.
!
C: “Agh! Ma body jus’ gave out!”
No no no, you have it all wrong. The correct exclamation is “Mein lieben!”
Heatwave
So I was forced to drop $700 on an air conditioner today. Simply because if the last 2 days of uncaring solar cruelty have taught me anything it’s that I would be dead by Sunday had I attempted survive this work week at present temperatures. My primary concern now is simply getting from my house to the bus stop and back without collapsing or being waylaid by Fremen.
The Skytrains seem safe….as it appears the newer ones are air conditioned. This was a pleasant surprise, yet only made me wonder why Skytrain Control waited until we topped 32+ degrees before invoking this feature. This has forced me to add them to my Summer 2009 hit list of people I will backhand upside the head should I encounter them. Right beneath Global Warming deniers.
The heat seems to have driven a handful of this cities fair citizens into madness as well. For when my bus pulled away this evening after I got on I looked out the window….only to see someone looking back at me. On a bike. Trying to desperately race the bus. To his credit ( and wild, lunatic eyes ) he managed to keep neck and neck for approximately 3 seconds until the bus driver actually put a foot on the gas pedal.
I didn’t think much of his feeble attempt….till some time later after the bus turned a corner and pulled up at a red light and this maniacal bike goblin reappeared. He had cut cross country through yards and fields to head the bus off at the pass. At this point I began to have my doubts about his sanity. There didn’t seem to be any purpose to his pursuit beyond the desire to race. I could sort of understand if there was say, a bomb on the bus that would detonate if we dropped below a certain speed and this plucky youngster was desperately trying to warn us. But no….no. He waited for the light to change so that the game could once again be afoot. He wasn’t about to just keep going on down the sidewalk while the bus was stuck at the light. That wouldn’t be sporting.
The bus of course, once again, easily overtook him. But he would not be deterred. He tailed the bus all the way to the station. Though it took him a while to catch up. As I was waiting on the platform for the Skytrain, he arrived triumphantly. I saw him, and he saw me, and he recognized me from the bus. At which point he looked at me like he was expecting some sort of comment or congratulations on his remarkably stupid decision to attempt to race a bus through traffic on a bike in 30 degree weather. I, however, did not wish to reward such behaviour. As that just encourages them and they pick up bad habits.
So I simply walked past him silently, and in that fleeting moment, out of the corner of my eye, I saw his crestfallen look of sadness and disappointment.
This pleased me.
( On a side note, after this rant, a coworker christened me Muad'dib. >.> )
Nice Try
Some intrepid young gazelle has apparently just discovered the 90’s and has been attempting to prank call me across several accounts with an Arnold Schwarzenegger sound board. However, his attempts fall short remarkably fast when I simply refuse to respond to detective John Kimble’s inquiries than hang up.
Also, he wasn’t smart enough to comprehend the power of caller ID. Thus I know exactly where he lives and who his parents are. I may give them a friendly call back later this morning if he persists in this stupidity.
( Luckily for him, he did not in fact persist in this stupidity. )
Good Luck With That
SC: “I wanna buy this on my debit card, but I don’t have it with me. But I think I can remember the numbers. Can I just give them that?”
I don’t proclaim to be any sort of technical expert on the inner workings of Interact, but I’m pretty sure this venture will be tragically unsuccessfully. But feel free to try and go through with this “I don’t have any money, but I have some numbers! Can I haz this?” plan.
OH CHRIST
Hello, everyone! I have had a marvelous 9 and a half hours sleep in my newly climate controlled 1 bedroom suite ( I like to call it the Monkey Chamber ). Perhaps the first full night…er…day….er…nidays? sleep I’ve had since, well, summer began. So everything is wonderful, I am cheery and my life is complete thanks to a grotesquely large appliance. Nothing could possibly ruin my mood now. Nope. Everything is faaaantastic--
---oh hello naked except for his boxer shorts shaven chested sweaty oiled frat boy. How nice of you to suddenly come barreled around the corner and straight into me as I walked up Granville. Allowing me to physically confirm my initial impression of you as I saw you at the last moment. Which was “Oh god he’s sticky”. Your “Oh sorry bro” does little to comfort me and I shall think of you darkly as I spent the next hour after I arrive at work in the bathroom crying and trying to clean the what smells like lavender body oil off my forearms.
Aging
Me: “Alright, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Da glasses…..the Oakley ones wif the iPod in dem?”
Ah yes, the $600 MP3 sunglasses I assume? I love how you’ve managed to advance far enough to add the term “iPod” to your vocabulary but not far enough to grasp the fact that’s the name of the device, not the function. So close, yet so far. It’s like how your mom kept calling every video game system you owned as you grew up an “Atari”. Or a Nintendo, for some of you slightly younger viewers……..or an X-Box for you even younger viewers. Err…X-Box 360?
Oh god….I’m old, aren’t I?
Dear Abby
SC: “My car was broken into and I don’t know who to call.”
Me: “Have you called the police?”
SC: “No, should I?”
I just have one straight forward honest to god question for you, my young fellow: How did you even dress yourself this morning? No, really. I’m really curious. There’s an intriguing lack of common sense here. A void so deep I’m surprised it doesn’t drain away basic comprehension from others nearby. It’s impressive that you not only managed to get enough fabric to stick to you to avoid being arrested, but that in the time between having dressed yourself that morning and now you did not manage to inadvertently end your own life.
The best part about this is he’s not calling to tell me his car was stolen. He’s calling to ask me for advice on what he should do about his car being stolen. Which means he was facing a situation that confused him, and the only solution he could come up with was to try and call his building manager and ask them for advice. Come to think of it I may have just made a grievous error….
I’ve now verified that I can assist him. Which means he may continue to call seeking help with all of life’s curveballs. This is only the tip of the ice berg. Saturday night I’ll be sitting here and I’ll get a panicked call along the lines of “I went out to a party and Mary Rose kissed me on the cheek and she’s a girl! I think I have cooties! So I ran away and hide in a stall in the boy’s bathroom. What should I do?!”
Get out of the stall, go over to the hand dryer and stick your face in it to dry your tears. Now, go back out there, find Mary Rose and thank her for her feelings, but tell her you just don’t see her that way and aren’t ready for a relationship right now. Than run back into the bathroom and hide there till the staff tells you to leave because its closing time.
What? I can’t save him, but I at least I can save Mary Rose.
Dear Abby 2
( Saturday night, same damn line, same damn time. )
SC: “I found a lost cat outside the building, what should I do with it?”
See? SEE?! I told you this would happen. All because I had to help that idjit the other night who didn’t know who to call about his car being broken into. I knew it. Now they think I can help them with just any random problem. They don’t have any wits or common sense of their own. They just go through life moving from one person to the next, mooching off of their mental capabilities until they get thrown out.
Why would you even call me for this? I can sort of kind of see the car thing, since he was in the building’s parkade. But you just found a cat outside, so you looked around and saw a sign with a phone number and assumed that somehow it would be related to this cat? What the hell kind of thought process is that? Oh look! A kitty! I bet he’s lost but is intentionally hanging out near a business sign with his owner’s contact information on it!
You know what you should do? Put it down and go to bed. Cat’s are never lost, they just don’t feel like going home yet. The only reason a cat ever turns up lost is because some idjit like you picked it up thinking it was lost and took it home.
Thats Another $700
SC: “It’s stuck on some screen that has a bunch of stuff on it…..like….um, My Computer, Recycle Bin, My Network”
Yes, that would be the “desktop”. Thanks to that single statement, I’ve been able to accurately ascertain exactly what level of computer user you are and can now tailor my support recommendations to your skill level: Step away from the computer immediately and wait for the technician to call you. Do not touch it under any circumstances. You are not an end user at this point, you are a fire hazard.
Wut?
Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling, may I help you?”
SC: “Yes, Steve.”
I….have absolutely no idea how you could possibly have derived “Steve” from any part of my opening statement. I didn’t even say anything that rhymed with Steve. You cannot even form “Steve” from the letters used in my statement. It is not possible to form Steve using any of the components that I initially presented you with. I have handed you two wheels, a bike chain and a handful of Legos and you have replied “Oh sweet! A platypus!”.
Nah, Its Fine
Right. Ok. There’s a problem with your main breaker, but you’re not sure if it’s really important or not. The problem is thus:
1) The breaker is making a constant humming noise with occasional crackles and hisses.
2) There is constant flickering orange light behind the breaker.
3) The wiring leading to the break is 71c degrees and climbing.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here, but I’d wager that your issue has actually gone beyond the point of “Important” and is hovering somewhere between “Fire hazard” and “OH MY GOD GET OUT OF THE HOUSE”.
Incorrect
Me: “Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “I’m not sure.”
Well than put the phone down, find a nice quiet place, get yourself a Dr Pepper, sit down and think about for a while until you are sure. Than call. As booking rooms is the only function of this service. I cannot provide you with any other service aside from this one. So you’d best make up your mind definitively before you call me. Because I assure you if you venture into any other area such as attempting to order pizza or save big on car insurance by switching to Geico, I will be unable to help you.
Tech....Support?
Me: “Alright, and what city is this?”
SC: “<town>, Nunavut”
Noooooooo~ You’re supposed to be restricted to <order line company> only! Centuries past when your darkness first crept upon our lands, it was all we could do to insure your evil was sealed into a single phone number. Never to venture beyond its confines of ugly designer clothes and $600 sunglasses. This is bad….the seal must be weakening. It’s beginning to seep out into other lines….we must stop it somehow.
Why was he calling you ask? Because his system “took a dump” and had been doing so for over 2 hours. Which, I suppose is cause for alarm. Have you considered knocking and asking if the system is alright?
Well Then
SC: “Just one more question. You probably can’t answer this-“
Than you probably shouldn’t ask it.
You Know Who You Are
( I still have family like this ;p )
It seems I must pen another chapter in my ongoing observations of my former comrades, the maritimers. As there are a couple more points I have noticed in my recent interactions with them:
1) You’ll always be given a landmark by which to find their house. Despite the fact you have never been within 500kms of their town before. Let alone have any idea what this landmark is. This will usually be something along the lines of “Its just 3 blocks down off Pine near the old A&W that Laurel and Jim use to run”. Directions that would be helpful, should you be in town and know the past 25 years of the town’s history.
2) You will not escape the call without learning something personal about at least one family member of the caller.
3) The phrase “Thank you for calling have a good day. Bye bye.” Translates to “So, how’s life?” in maritime speak.
4) There’s a 50/50 chance you will be given every piece of information you need for the entire call in a single breath, completely unsolicited, after asking for the caller’s first name. Including full name, address, phone number and profession.
ITS FOUND ME
This evening, as I stood forlornly on the Skytrain platform, waiting. I heard a rather…odd noise. It sounded sort of like a Skytrain, but not quite. I turned to look and I beheld it. It was the Black Chariot. The stuff of my nightmares, unleashed upon the transit system. Finally, it had come for me. It pulled up, with all manner of odd sound that a Skytrain should not make. Whirls and clicks and hums that I had never heard emitted from one of our aerial transit systems. As if it was desperately trying to pass itself off as a Skytrain, but could not entirely conceal the fact it’s inner workings were utterly alien to the human mind.
After it hummed to a stop, its doors opened. Beckoning me within. I could not deny its invitation, for I would be late for work if I did. So I was forced to step on…..the inside was spacious. More so than either of the other two types of Skytrains ( Whom I affectionately refer to as Old Boxy and Plastic Hell Chairs ). There was also a peculiar smell….similar to a new car smell, but not quite. I surmise it was a new train smell. Or, considering the origins of this strange vehicle, perhaps a new starship smell that was only odd to me as I did not have all 3 nostrils required to appreciate it.
I nervously moved through its interior to a seat and fearfully allowed my buttocks to descent o-HOLY sweet farkin' mother of Ishtar these seats are COMFORTABLE as all h-no, no, do not be fooled! I will not be seduced by your sweet sweet soft derriere rests. You’re just trying t-ok seriously, these seats are awesome. Finally, a Skytrain with seats that weren’t designed specifically for dwarves with asses chiseled from concrete a-NO! It’s just trying to trick you! The Black Chariot is evil, yes. It just wants us to lower our guards. So it can catch us.
God, I love these seats. Maybe I had the Black Chariot all wr-NO! Must…..resist…….
My mind says no, but my ass says YES.
Annnnd rest. >.>
Alternate Uses
Me: “Ok, and what size would you like?”
SC: “2XL”
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t have 2XL in stock. I have XL?”
SC: “Hmm ok, I’ll take XL. I can hang it.”
You can…hang it you say? You know, I spent a minute or two reviewing that statement, trying to find some sort of logical context for its usage. But I’m afraid I was unable to arrive at any reasonable conclusion. I did come to two unreasonable conclusions, however. So let me share those two scenarios with you and see if either one is accurate:
Scenario 1:
You find the shirt so alluring that your immediate thought was: “Well if I can’t have it as a shirt, I’ll take it as a flag.”. With which you could adorn your abode for +2 Environment.
Scenario 2:
You’re going to apply good old fashion moxy and use the shirt to hang a seal carcass from a tree overnight where bears can’t get it. Thereby stretching it to your desired proportions.
If either of these are correct, please let me know.
!
C: “Agh! Ma body jus’ gave out!”
No no no, you have it all wrong. The correct exclamation is “Mein lieben!”
Heatwave
So I was forced to drop $700 on an air conditioner today. Simply because if the last 2 days of uncaring solar cruelty have taught me anything it’s that I would be dead by Sunday had I attempted survive this work week at present temperatures. My primary concern now is simply getting from my house to the bus stop and back without collapsing or being waylaid by Fremen.
The Skytrains seem safe….as it appears the newer ones are air conditioned. This was a pleasant surprise, yet only made me wonder why Skytrain Control waited until we topped 32+ degrees before invoking this feature. This has forced me to add them to my Summer 2009 hit list of people I will backhand upside the head should I encounter them. Right beneath Global Warming deniers.
The heat seems to have driven a handful of this cities fair citizens into madness as well. For when my bus pulled away this evening after I got on I looked out the window….only to see someone looking back at me. On a bike. Trying to desperately race the bus. To his credit ( and wild, lunatic eyes ) he managed to keep neck and neck for approximately 3 seconds until the bus driver actually put a foot on the gas pedal.
I didn’t think much of his feeble attempt….till some time later after the bus turned a corner and pulled up at a red light and this maniacal bike goblin reappeared. He had cut cross country through yards and fields to head the bus off at the pass. At this point I began to have my doubts about his sanity. There didn’t seem to be any purpose to his pursuit beyond the desire to race. I could sort of understand if there was say, a bomb on the bus that would detonate if we dropped below a certain speed and this plucky youngster was desperately trying to warn us. But no….no. He waited for the light to change so that the game could once again be afoot. He wasn’t about to just keep going on down the sidewalk while the bus was stuck at the light. That wouldn’t be sporting.
The bus of course, once again, easily overtook him. But he would not be deterred. He tailed the bus all the way to the station. Though it took him a while to catch up. As I was waiting on the platform for the Skytrain, he arrived triumphantly. I saw him, and he saw me, and he recognized me from the bus. At which point he looked at me like he was expecting some sort of comment or congratulations on his remarkably stupid decision to attempt to race a bus through traffic on a bike in 30 degree weather. I, however, did not wish to reward such behaviour. As that just encourages them and they pick up bad habits.
So I simply walked past him silently, and in that fleeting moment, out of the corner of my eye, I saw his crestfallen look of sadness and disappointment.
This pleased me.
( On a side note, after this rant, a coworker christened me Muad'dib. >.> )
Nice Try
Some intrepid young gazelle has apparently just discovered the 90’s and has been attempting to prank call me across several accounts with an Arnold Schwarzenegger sound board. However, his attempts fall short remarkably fast when I simply refuse to respond to detective John Kimble’s inquiries than hang up.
Also, he wasn’t smart enough to comprehend the power of caller ID. Thus I know exactly where he lives and who his parents are. I may give them a friendly call back later this morning if he persists in this stupidity.
( Luckily for him, he did not in fact persist in this stupidity. )
Good Luck With That
SC: “I wanna buy this on my debit card, but I don’t have it with me. But I think I can remember the numbers. Can I just give them that?”
I don’t proclaim to be any sort of technical expert on the inner workings of Interact, but I’m pretty sure this venture will be tragically unsuccessfully. But feel free to try and go through with this “I don’t have any money, but I have some numbers! Can I haz this?” plan.
OH CHRIST
Hello, everyone! I have had a marvelous 9 and a half hours sleep in my newly climate controlled 1 bedroom suite ( I like to call it the Monkey Chamber ). Perhaps the first full night…er…day….er…nidays? sleep I’ve had since, well, summer began. So everything is wonderful, I am cheery and my life is complete thanks to a grotesquely large appliance. Nothing could possibly ruin my mood now. Nope. Everything is faaaantastic--
---oh hello naked except for his boxer shorts shaven chested sweaty oiled frat boy. How nice of you to suddenly come barreled around the corner and straight into me as I walked up Granville. Allowing me to physically confirm my initial impression of you as I saw you at the last moment. Which was “Oh god he’s sticky”. Your “Oh sorry bro” does little to comfort me and I shall think of you darkly as I spent the next hour after I arrive at work in the bathroom crying and trying to clean the what smells like lavender body oil off my forearms.
Aging
Me: “Alright, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Da glasses…..the Oakley ones wif the iPod in dem?”
Ah yes, the $600 MP3 sunglasses I assume? I love how you’ve managed to advance far enough to add the term “iPod” to your vocabulary but not far enough to grasp the fact that’s the name of the device, not the function. So close, yet so far. It’s like how your mom kept calling every video game system you owned as you grew up an “Atari”. Or a Nintendo, for some of you slightly younger viewers……..or an X-Box for you even younger viewers. Err…X-Box 360?
Oh god….I’m old, aren’t I?
Dear Abby
SC: “My car was broken into and I don’t know who to call.”
Me: “Have you called the police?”
SC: “No, should I?”
I just have one straight forward honest to god question for you, my young fellow: How did you even dress yourself this morning? No, really. I’m really curious. There’s an intriguing lack of common sense here. A void so deep I’m surprised it doesn’t drain away basic comprehension from others nearby. It’s impressive that you not only managed to get enough fabric to stick to you to avoid being arrested, but that in the time between having dressed yourself that morning and now you did not manage to inadvertently end your own life.
The best part about this is he’s not calling to tell me his car was stolen. He’s calling to ask me for advice on what he should do about his car being stolen. Which means he was facing a situation that confused him, and the only solution he could come up with was to try and call his building manager and ask them for advice. Come to think of it I may have just made a grievous error….
I’ve now verified that I can assist him. Which means he may continue to call seeking help with all of life’s curveballs. This is only the tip of the ice berg. Saturday night I’ll be sitting here and I’ll get a panicked call along the lines of “I went out to a party and Mary Rose kissed me on the cheek and she’s a girl! I think I have cooties! So I ran away and hide in a stall in the boy’s bathroom. What should I do?!”
Get out of the stall, go over to the hand dryer and stick your face in it to dry your tears. Now, go back out there, find Mary Rose and thank her for her feelings, but tell her you just don’t see her that way and aren’t ready for a relationship right now. Than run back into the bathroom and hide there till the staff tells you to leave because its closing time.
What? I can’t save him, but I at least I can save Mary Rose.
Dear Abby 2
( Saturday night, same damn line, same damn time. )
SC: “I found a lost cat outside the building, what should I do with it?”
See? SEE?! I told you this would happen. All because I had to help that idjit the other night who didn’t know who to call about his car being broken into. I knew it. Now they think I can help them with just any random problem. They don’t have any wits or common sense of their own. They just go through life moving from one person to the next, mooching off of their mental capabilities until they get thrown out.
Why would you even call me for this? I can sort of kind of see the car thing, since he was in the building’s parkade. But you just found a cat outside, so you looked around and saw a sign with a phone number and assumed that somehow it would be related to this cat? What the hell kind of thought process is that? Oh look! A kitty! I bet he’s lost but is intentionally hanging out near a business sign with his owner’s contact information on it!
You know what you should do? Put it down and go to bed. Cat’s are never lost, they just don’t feel like going home yet. The only reason a cat ever turns up lost is because some idjit like you picked it up thinking it was lost and took it home.
Thats Another $700
SC: “It’s stuck on some screen that has a bunch of stuff on it…..like….um, My Computer, Recycle Bin, My Network”
Yes, that would be the “desktop”. Thanks to that single statement, I’ve been able to accurately ascertain exactly what level of computer user you are and can now tailor my support recommendations to your skill level: Step away from the computer immediately and wait for the technician to call you. Do not touch it under any circumstances. You are not an end user at this point, you are a fire hazard.
Wut?
Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling, may I help you?”
SC: “Yes, Steve.”
I….have absolutely no idea how you could possibly have derived “Steve” from any part of my opening statement. I didn’t even say anything that rhymed with Steve. You cannot even form “Steve” from the letters used in my statement. It is not possible to form Steve using any of the components that I initially presented you with. I have handed you two wheels, a bike chain and a handful of Legos and you have replied “Oh sweet! A platypus!”.
Nah, Its Fine
Right. Ok. There’s a problem with your main breaker, but you’re not sure if it’s really important or not. The problem is thus:
1) The breaker is making a constant humming noise with occasional crackles and hisses.
2) There is constant flickering orange light behind the breaker.
3) The wiring leading to the break is 71c degrees and climbing.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here, but I’d wager that your issue has actually gone beyond the point of “Important” and is hovering somewhere between “Fire hazard” and “OH MY GOD GET OUT OF THE HOUSE”.
Incorrect
Me: “Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “I’m not sure.”
Well than put the phone down, find a nice quiet place, get yourself a Dr Pepper, sit down and think about for a while until you are sure. Than call. As booking rooms is the only function of this service. I cannot provide you with any other service aside from this one. So you’d best make up your mind definitively before you call me. Because I assure you if you venture into any other area such as attempting to order pizza or save big on car insurance by switching to Geico, I will be unable to help you.
Tech....Support?
Me: “Alright, and what city is this?”
SC: “<town>, Nunavut”
Noooooooo~ You’re supposed to be restricted to <order line company> only! Centuries past when your darkness first crept upon our lands, it was all we could do to insure your evil was sealed into a single phone number. Never to venture beyond its confines of ugly designer clothes and $600 sunglasses. This is bad….the seal must be weakening. It’s beginning to seep out into other lines….we must stop it somehow.
Why was he calling you ask? Because his system “took a dump” and had been doing so for over 2 hours. Which, I suppose is cause for alarm. Have you considered knocking and asking if the system is alright?
Well Then
SC: “Just one more question. You probably can’t answer this-“
Than you probably shouldn’t ask it.
You Know Who You Are
( I still have family like this ;p )
It seems I must pen another chapter in my ongoing observations of my former comrades, the maritimers. As there are a couple more points I have noticed in my recent interactions with them:
1) You’ll always be given a landmark by which to find their house. Despite the fact you have never been within 500kms of their town before. Let alone have any idea what this landmark is. This will usually be something along the lines of “Its just 3 blocks down off Pine near the old A&W that Laurel and Jim use to run”. Directions that would be helpful, should you be in town and know the past 25 years of the town’s history.
2) You will not escape the call without learning something personal about at least one family member of the caller.
3) The phrase “Thank you for calling have a good day. Bye bye.” Translates to “So, how’s life?” in maritime speak.
4) There’s a 50/50 chance you will be given every piece of information you need for the entire call in a single breath, completely unsolicited, after asking for the caller’s first name. Including full name, address, phone number and profession.
ITS FOUND ME
This evening, as I stood forlornly on the Skytrain platform, waiting. I heard a rather…odd noise. It sounded sort of like a Skytrain, but not quite. I turned to look and I beheld it. It was the Black Chariot. The stuff of my nightmares, unleashed upon the transit system. Finally, it had come for me. It pulled up, with all manner of odd sound that a Skytrain should not make. Whirls and clicks and hums that I had never heard emitted from one of our aerial transit systems. As if it was desperately trying to pass itself off as a Skytrain, but could not entirely conceal the fact it’s inner workings were utterly alien to the human mind.
After it hummed to a stop, its doors opened. Beckoning me within. I could not deny its invitation, for I would be late for work if I did. So I was forced to step on…..the inside was spacious. More so than either of the other two types of Skytrains ( Whom I affectionately refer to as Old Boxy and Plastic Hell Chairs ). There was also a peculiar smell….similar to a new car smell, but not quite. I surmise it was a new train smell. Or, considering the origins of this strange vehicle, perhaps a new starship smell that was only odd to me as I did not have all 3 nostrils required to appreciate it.
I nervously moved through its interior to a seat and fearfully allowed my buttocks to descent o-HOLY sweet farkin' mother of Ishtar these seats are COMFORTABLE as all h-no, no, do not be fooled! I will not be seduced by your sweet sweet soft derriere rests. You’re just trying t-ok seriously, these seats are awesome. Finally, a Skytrain with seats that weren’t designed specifically for dwarves with asses chiseled from concrete a-NO! It’s just trying to trick you! The Black Chariot is evil, yes. It just wants us to lower our guards. So it can catch us.
God, I love these seats. Maybe I had the Black Chariot all wr-NO! Must…..resist…….
My mind says no, but my ass says YES.
Annnnd rest. >.>
Paul had two names - his secret name (Usul), and his 'public name', Mua'dib (correct spelling, I think)
I write, my friend Red draws. Comments welcome. Leave them on their, or on my profile here. 
dammit GK! Stop making me laugh so hard that I have to clean the monitor off!
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